Dear Meredith,

I thought that I was over my ex. He is British (we’ll call him Oliver Twist) and we dated for about 2.5 years. We met when I did a semester abroad when I was 21 (I’m 33 now, he’s 35). We broke up because he didn’t want to get married and I couldn’t find a job in the UK, but after a cooling off period we have maintained a strong friendship. Throughout the years he has always wanted to come and visit but has never taken the plunge. He is always petrified of letting me down again and making any kind of commitment.

OT has always regretted ending the relationship, and I have countless emails, texts, letters, cards, and memories of him telling me how much he wishes he could have a second chance. There have been a few periods when we haven’t been close but I have always considered him my best friend. Fast forward to this year. I was finally feeling like I had moved on and was happily in a relationship, the first where I had truly opened up since OT and I broke up. My new relationship ended abruptly when my partner decided to return to his home state after he finished his degree. OT and I started talking again. OT is proving that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. He is promising to visit and asking for a second chance but refusing to actually pick a time to fly out. He also wants to come here as my friend (which is also what I want) and see how we feel about each other. He also wants me to remain single for when he visits.

Last night I wanted to finish a conversation that we had started about what was holding him back in regards to booking a ticket. He said that he would be around to talk and then was unreachable. I texted him to let him know that I was concerned he was burying his head in the sand to avoid talking to me but that I was guessing he needed some space. I told him that I was concerned because of his lack of commitment and communication, as well as recently finding out that he was in a relationship for three years and lived with someone yet never told me about it. This ended in a big fight where he wouldn’t let me get a word in, and with him saying that we should just drop it and not talk about a visit.

All this man has done is say how much he wants to be with me, can’t fathom a relationship with anyone else, and would do anything for a second chance. I love him and want so much for us to see if we could make it work now that we are grown adults. I don’t know whether this ship has sailed or if I should keep hanging on. I need some advice. I have spent the better part of my life in love with him. I thought I had let go of this. Years of therapy and time seem to have done nothing to help me move on.
What do you make of his behavior? Is he scared? Can we make this work?

– Merry Olde England, Somerville