Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over eight months but had been friends for three years prior to dating. He is one of the kindest, silliest, sweetest men I’ve ever met, and together we have a wonderful relationship.

Everything about the way he treats me, looks at me, talks about me, and respects me indicates he is in love with me, not to mention he chooses to spend nearly all of his free time with me. I don’t doubt that he does love me, however he has not said “I love you.” While he is not an expressive person at all, I am the total opposite, and so the lack of “I love you” is starting to weigh on me. I want to be able to tell him I love him but don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him to say it because I’ve said it first. I’m scared he won’t say it back at all. It’s sort of become the elephant in the room.

About two months ago after a few too many glasses of wine I asked, “Do you ever feel like you love me?” He got very smiley but clearly uncomfortable and just kept repeating, “You know I care so much about you.” Then a few days later I asked him soberly about it and told him that I’m not asking him if he loves me but wanted to know if the concept of telling someone he loves them freaks him out. He told me that he was very afraid of saying “I love you” to someone because to him it feels very final, like you’ve decided that’s the only person for you forever. When he told me this I was a bit surprised but said that love means something different to everyone and that that’s not what it means to me, but I respect that that’s what it means to him.

Recently I asked him straight up how he feels about me and he basically did the same thing again by telling me how much he really cares about me and how I make him so happy — but he did not say “I love you.” The last thing I want is to create an awkward situation where he feels like I’m forcing him to think about if he wants to be with me forever (since apparently that’s what he thinks being in love means, and to be honest I have no idea myself and think it’s way too early for that). I just wish he could vocalize the incredible feelings we have between us.

I want to be able to let it go and wait for when the time is right for him, but for months I’ve been thinking he will say it and he hasn’t, and now it’s turned into a never-ending wondering and hoping game in my head.

Please help!

– Looking for I Love You, Boston