Dear Meredith,

I am 33 years old and have not had a serious relationship since the guy I was seeing in 2007 died in an accident. We had just started seeing each other but it really had a huge impact on my life.

In 2011 I started seeing a guy I met in grad school. After an amazing six weeks of consistent conversations, dinner dates, and sleepovers, he told me he could not spend every other night with me because he needed to get his life in order (get a job, etc.). During this time, his best friend moved in and the house was basically like a fraternity.

He slowly started disappearing and contacting me at his convenience. Months later, we resumed dinner dates and sleepovers. When I confronted him about where things were going, he would avoid the question and disappear for longer periods of time.

Finally he admitted that he did not see a future with me and I left it alone and went on with my life. Five months later, he contacted me saying he missed me (in the middle of the night, of course). We hung out a couple more times and I realized things were never going to change and I cut off all communication with him so I could move past this unhealthy situation.

Here we are a year and a half later and he messages me saying that he has been thinking about me (in the middle of the night again). I have resisted seeing him for the last two months but broke down this weekend and went to see him. Our conversations have been more consistent, they’re during the day, and he asks a lot of questions about my life. He has his own place now so I questioned what happened with the roommate situation. He told me that he had moved in with a girlfriend last year and things did not work out. Needless to say, I stopped hearing him speak, my body went numb, and I lost it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed everything he told me about not wanting to be in a relationship, but he really did not want to be in a relationship with me. He told me that I was not the rebound after this most recent breakup (meaning he already had one) and that we can start “hanging out on the side to see where things go.”

He will never change and I know I sound foolish asking for advice, but my heart really needs to move on from him this time. He will never care about me the way I deserve to be cared about, will he?

– Feeling Hopeless in Boston