We’re Having Trouble With Chores During Quarantine

Monday | August 10, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

We’re Having Trouble With Chores During Quarantine

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My partner and I (both 22) have been dating for nine months. When our university kicked us off campus in March, a number of logistical and epidemiologic factors collided. After discussing with both of our families, we decided that she and I would both live and quarantine with her parents. I had never even met her parents before, and now I have been living in their house for months! Thankfully, we all get along.

I have been helping out with dishes, cleaning, and other shared household chores as much as I can. However, there are some chores that are specific to just my partner and I: namely, our laundry. I have been doing the majority of both the mental effort of keeping track of when and what to launder, as well as the physical effort of actually doing laundry. I think this uneven split is for two main reasons:

1) My partner has a higher tolerance for mess than I do. For instance, she is OK with leaving clean laundry in the basket for a few days, while I prefer to put it away as soon as possible. 2) Both my partner and I share the same primary love language: acts of service. One one hand, I want to express my love by doing as many acts of service as I can, while on the other hand, I feel resentful about the work being split unevenly.

I’m facing a mental dissonance around this imbalanced division of labor. I want to express my love for my partner; I don’t want to be any further burden in her parents’ house; I want the work to be split more evenly.

How do I navigate this?

– Acts of Service

First, I just want to say that this sounds like a really lovely setup.

COVID-19 has made housing difficult for many, and it’s very sweet that your girlfriend’s parents have welcomed you into their home. Of course, I can imagine that it puts new stresses on all of you. You’ve gone from dating a woman to living with her, and now you have an audience. You’re bound to get annoyed and feel awkward on occasion. Still, it sounds like you’re doing well with all of it.

As for the division of labor, it might help to talk about how to make things equal without having to divide jobs down the middle, if that makes sense. Back when I lived with a roommate for many years (she’s now my bff), she started laughing one day because she heard me physically groan as I put the dishes away. We were so lucky to have a dishwasher, and yet … there’s something about putting dishes back in cabinets that makes me miserable. I’d rather vacuum every room and clean every toilet than put dishes away. I noticed after time that my friend just started doing that job for both of us. In return, I did more in other rooms (or at least I hope I did). I guess my point is that maybe you can talk to her about doing more of the actual laundry (bringing it to the machines, etc.), and your job will be putting things away immediately.

I understand you feel lucky to be in the house and probably don’t want to complain at all. But these tiny issues are what breeds resentment. Get the problem out of your system before it starts to seem bigger than it is.

You talk about “acts of service” as a primary love language for both of you. If we’re going there, remember that this is a good time for secondary languages to come into play. You can tell your girlfriend how happy and grateful you are to be in her family’s home. You can show physical affection. As for the love language of quality time … well, that’s something we’re all giving each other now, even when we don’t want to. But my point is, this doesn’t have to be a negative conversation. If laundry is the worst of this experience, the two of you have a lot to celebrate.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you divide chores in your home? How do you recommend bringing up this kind of problem for the first time? Is there one chore you despise doing?

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