I’ve had partners, but how do I make friends?
This is another question from the phone booth. The tone of voice was sweet, concerned, and curious.
This person also had the hiccups (and apologized about it), but imagine that sound throughout the letter.
Q.
I guess my question is about how to make friends and form relationships as a person whose primary social interactions have always been in the form of romantic relationships.
I’ve always been a person who goes from one partner to the next, with very little time in between. You know, I was doing this in high school, in college and all of that … and I got so caught up in that that, I didn’t really make friends. Now I find myself in a position where I’ve met the love of my life, we’re incredibly happy together, and I kind of have no one else except my family.
I don’t know how to let other people in without revealing how much of a loser I am with no friends right now. I just started a new job and there are all these really incredible people that work there, and I get along great with everybody, but I think I’m just always so scared that I’m going to mess something up or that everyone’s going to find out my terrible secret of being a friendless loser, and everyone’s going to figure that there’s something wrong with me.
I guess I’m also worried that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know. I guess … how do I get over this fear and be honest with people? Is it a giant red flag to be 26 years old and really only have acquaintances?
– Friendly
A.
We’ve answered similar questions about romance here at Love Letters.
People say, “I’m 30. I’ve never had a significant other. What’s wrong with me? How will I explain my inexperience if I meet someone I like?”
I tell these letter writers they’re experienced at being independent. I assure them they can hop into the dating scene at any age.
I’ll say the same to you. You can launch friendships at any point in life. Sometimes the process is as awkward and slow as dating, but it’s possible. Even better news: it sounds like you’re already in contact with a bunch of people you enjoy. (If you worked from home, this might be a more difficult endeavor.)
For closer friendships, you might try initiating. You could ask someone from work to dinner – or even start with lunch. You could get tickets to an arts event and ask an acquaintance to join you. If you went to school around here, you could check in with an old acquaintance and say, “You were on my mind the other day and I’m missing familiar faces. Want to grab a drink?”
In every gathering, find the most social person, the one who seems to coordinate. Usually they’re in the middle of the party, surrounded by others. You could tell that person, “I’m bad at making friends. Can you help?”
If someone had said that to me at 26, I would have walked them to every other person in the room to make introductions.
You do not have to tell people you’ve never had friends. Consider that they might have their own insecurities. Perhaps they’ve had friend breakups that make them wonder how to trust, or what comes next.
We all show up insecure about something. Hopefully we’re still open to everything.
One final note: I wonder if you’re thinking about this because you met the love of your life. Maybe that wonderful person has close friends, and it’s making you insecure about your own community.
Don’t try to catch up with anyone else. If you seek close friends, it should be because you want them and have the desire to give them your time.
It’s not about what looks good on paper. It’s certainly not about growing a wedding party. Friends deserve effort and commitment. You have to be ready to show up for others.
– Meredith
Readers? When did you make your closest friends? How would you want to be approached for friendship? How many close friends do you need? When you count close friends, do you include family?
Is there something on your mind about a relationship in your life? Or a relationship you wish you had in your life? Send your own question. Help others wondering the same thing. Use the form – or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
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