Is It Time To Move In With Him?

Tuesday | August 9, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

Is It Time To Move In With Him?

I need help deciding whether to move in with my boyfriend. First up, he’s great. Full stop. No “… except he does… .” He’s funny, kind, generous, handsome, and, yes, amazing. We’ve been dating for seven months and while we’ve talked about maybe moving in together in the future, it was always a kind of vague, amorphous “some day.”

We spend weekends together, often Friday to Sunday with no break, and a day or two during the week. We’re both in our late 20s/early 30s and have dated other people seriously before, so I feel pretty confident that we both know the difference between a bad relationship and a good one. He’s a great one.

Well, a couple days ago he asked me to move in with him for real when my current lease is up (he owns his apartment) and I told him I’d have to think about it. For one thing, I’ve already signed a lease and paid first/last/security/broker’s fee on another apartment lease for next year. I was really looking forward to moving into my own apartment and having complete control over my own domain, with no roommates to have to deal with. For another, my job is twenty minutes on one side of Boston, and his apartment is in a suburb on the opposite side, which would DOUBLE my commute. I’ve done it a few times now and it’s miserable.

I just started though, so getting a new job really isn’t an option, and he owns his place so he’s not really in a position to just move like I am. I’m not really concerned we won’t get along once I move in. I guess I’m just hesitant to give up the year I was expecting to live by myself? I considered maybe living alone and subletting next summer, but then it feels silly to only spend eight or nine months in a place on purpose. I’d barely have fully settled in by the time I start packing again. I’d want to live with him after that anyway, so it’d just be delaying what I already want. I feel like if I either (1) didn’t already have the other apartment lined up or (2) didn’t face such a terrible commute, the decision would be easy. Saying that in writing makes it sound silly, though. A friend pointed out that I’d spend most of my free time with him at one place or the other regardless, so … advice?

– The next step?

Here’s the question to ask if you’re on the fence about a move-in: “Would it be more annoying to continue living apart?”

I often hear from people who say, “Ugh, I spend all my nights with this person anyway,” or “Pretending we live apart is wasting a lot of money,” or … “It’s been so long since I’ve been home that I can’t find my keys.” At some point, living in separate homes becomes the chore, and that’s when cohabitation can make perfect sense.

In your case, the chore would be the move-in. You’d have to deal with a terrible commute, and you’d miss out on an apartment you were excited to try. For now, living alone feels like less of an inconvenience – and that’s OK.

You can let your boyfriend know that your endgame is a shared place. But there’s no reason to rush the process, right? You say it’s silly to spend eight to nine months in an apartment when you know you’re going to leave, but eight to nine months is actually a long time. Many college students sign that kind of lease every year. Eight months is actually longer than you’ve been in your relationship.

– Meredith

Readers? Move in?

Living Together Relationships

Featured Comment

This will likely be your one shot to live alone. Do it, otherwise you’ll wonder ‘what if’ or have regrets. You’ve only been with him for 7 months. Don’t rush.

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