A.

I’m sorry. It is no fun to be in the middle of a breakup.

When two people stop seeing each other, even platonically, they wind up being the main characters of the story. They’re angry, hurt, or maybe feel relief.

But for the person in your spot, it’s a complicated kind of grief, right? You’re losing a relationship structure that has enriched your life for two decades. My first piece of advice: treat this like a loss so you can grieve it well. Don’t feel silly about the sadness. Even if you think, “Wait, but I still get to hang out with these people separately,” the dynamic is different. It’s a real loss.

You can even tell these friends, “I’m grieving our dynamic.” It might help them understand the effect of this, and be more helpful than you asking if they can fix it. 

You might learn that one of these friends has been unhappy with the dynamics of the trio, and that the structure is much better for them now. 

Change is hard, even if it’s for the best.

My next thought: enjoy the time you have with these men, but don’t pressure yourself to maintain the cadence of communication, or connect in a specific way. Check in, if you want. Hang out if it pleases you. But if this breakup makes you not want to see one of these people for a stretch of time, that’s OK. You’re not required to give them the same amount of attention, or equal attention.

You might need different company right now. If there are other friends you love, give them a call. 

Again, I’m so sorry. This might get better – I do hope they can repair their relationship – but if not, you’ll feel sad for a bit, and then it becomes a new normal.

You can learn to enjoy people one at a time. You can make new memories.

– Meredith

Readers? I have more to say about this – I keep thinking about a friendship my mom ended before she died, and maybe it was a friendship that never felt healthy to her. But I felt so bad for the friend. I do wonder how these choices might happen in one’s 80s vs. 20s. But tell me what you think about how the friend in the middle moves on.

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].