In Love With My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Monday | April 17, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

In Love With My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Thinking of all the Boston Marathon runners today. Good luck. For the rest of us … it’s a great time to write a letter about what’s up. What are your dating/relationship/marriage/single issues? Let us try to make sense of them. Email [email protected] or send your letter here. Also: sign up for the Love Letters newsletter before the next one comes out. We give away things there, have more discussion, etc. Sign up here.

Meredith,

I’m 23 and in love with my best friend’s boyfriend. A few years ago, he was very much in love with me, but I was stupid and just brushed it off when he told me. He and I were close friends then, so I tried to keep it that way.

A little over a year ago, my best friend started dating him – she was basically obsessed with him. As of a few months ago I’ve realized that I’m in love with him, and I really think he still has feelings for me. I told my best friend that I have romantic feeling for him, and she said it was fine – but I know it’s not. After my confession, I told her the feelings aren’t serious.

I haven’t told him any of this yet, and I don’t plan to. They’re both each other’s first partners, but even if it’s new love I think I have no business in it whatsoever. I’m still just so nervous and happy whenever I see him, and I’m having mixed feelings because he hugged me after a very emotional night for us yesterday. Yes, I know, it’s just a hug, but it really means something because we always used to hug when we were closer friends. He always had this counter for the amount of times I’ve hugged him, and I jokingly brought that up yesterday. I asked him if he remembered it, and he looked deep into my eyes and he said, “Yeah… I do” with a smile. This is just driving me nuts!

I love my best friend and I would never want to hurt her. I already feel so guilty and I value any opinion.

– Confession

My advice is to get over him. Brilliant idea, I know.

Some tips for doing this:

1. Look for other crushes. They’re out there! Seek cute people who are in a better position to accept your attention.
2. Remember why you rejected this idea the first time around. There were reasons you weren’t into this friend. Try to recall what made it so easy to walk away.
3. Think about your actual best friend. Imagine how hurt she’d be if anything happened here. It would alter the friendship forever – and you would feel terrible.
4. Spend less time with him. Maybe this is a difficult thing to pull off, but he’s no longer your close friend – he’s an unrequited crush – so treat this like a breakup. Spend time with your best friend without him. If you see them, make it a group thing. You don’t need moments for long hugs.
5. You said this is their first big experience with partnership. Maybe this the first time you’ve wanted a relationship you can’t have. Not all big feelings mean you’re entitled to pursue what you want. Embrace this as a necessary lesson.
6. This one’s a fun bonus: Read romance novels. Really. If you want recommendations, I’ll email some. These books might help you realize that a crush on the wrong person can be the way a story starts … but it’ll end somewhere much more interesting. Train your brain to see all possibilities.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you push yourself to get over someone? Is that what needs to happen here?

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Featured Comment

You throw around the word

loveu0022 too much. I love my best friend’s boyfriend. He loved me. I love my best friend. Your best friend was obsessed with him (funny you didn’t use ‘love’ for that one.)nnYou don’t actually know what love is.u0022 – CuppaJoeSeattle Share Thoughts