I’m Bad At Ending Relationships

Tuesday | March 16, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

I’m Bad At Ending Relationships

Had a nice time reading comments last night. Good advice. Group sharing. Some neurosis.
I’ve been waiting for a letter like this. Can we all agree on the best way to end a relationship? Let’s find out.

Hi Meredith,
I’ve recently become addicted to your column and have come to find your advice sound and easy to follow. It’s especially salient for me as I tend to not follow advice that is too taxing for me to put into action.
Through much of my dating life, I’ve never really had to make the decision to terminate a relationship. My previous relationships have tended to either run their course or I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad news, which has worked out favorably for me as I tend to avoid confrontation and uncomfortable, possibly hurtful situations. Because of this, I’ve often found myself in relationships longer that I probably should be, which leaves me where I’m at right now.
I started dating a man at the beginning of last year, and we had maintained an ostensibly casual relationship throughout much of the year. He met some of my siblings who live fairly close, but I never met any of his family members (who live further away). We never really had any kind of “talk” about the nature of our relationship, but it was assumed (at least on my part) that it wasn’t that serious. At the end of last year, he went away on sabbatical for 3 months and during that time I met and started dating someone new. Although we corresponded via email while he was away, the e-mails were not very frequent nor were there any intimate sentiments expressed.
Cut to today. He’s back in town and I guess I need to let him know that while I enjoy his company, I no longer want to have an intimate relationship with him. What is the easiest way for me to accomplish this without chickening out and continuing to date him and what would the best venue be for me to make this happen?

– Hate to be the breaker-upper, Cambridge

Breaking up is hard to do, HTBTBU.
I’ve always believed that people should have the courage to break-up with someone as soon as they know they’re out. I used to think it was cowardly for a person to start fights, wait around, or take any sort of passive approach to break-ups.
But my cousin Tina in Los Angeles (Ruthie’s daughter) convinced me that break-ups are sometimes best accomplished over time. She has always believed that the breaker-upper should begin the process by offering natural hints. They should skip phone calls. Start fights. Look bored. That way, when the break-up actually happens, the person getting dumped isn’t shocked. Tina would say that there’s nothing worse than feeling as though a rug has been pulled out from under you. For that reason, I like Tina’s method of break-ups, too. Hints are good. As long as you don’t waste too much time.
In your case, the work has been done for you. He went away for three months. There’s probably a part of him that wondered what he’d come back to. My guess is that he thought you were serious when he left. I mean, he met siblings, you dated over a stretch of time, and you kept in touch while he was gone. Now is the time to say, “Hey, while you were away, I disengaged.” Do it in his apartment so you can walk out when you’re done. Just say it. It’s never easy. Tell him you feel awful. Hopefully, he’ll take the news well.
And in the future, don’t waste your time in relationships that you’ve already ended in your head. Do it my way or do it Tina’s way. They’re both right. You just have to get it done.
Readers? What’s the best way to break bad news? And where should she do it? And … any preference … my way? Tina’s way? What about people who misbehave in order to force someone to break up with them? Talk.

– Meredith

Relationships