I’m Worried About Money

Wednesday | December 14, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I’m Worried About Money

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Hi Meredith,

I recently got engaged to my long-term boyfriend. He’s a fantastic person and we share a lot of the same values. Recently though, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my ex – not because he is better partner, but because of his money. My ex-boyfriend was from an affluent family, and I grew up with the absolute opposite – poverty. My parents constantly fought about money and we had to live with other family members during my childhood.

As my relationship embarks on the next chapter, I have this irrational fear that I will live/raise my future family in poverty again. That being said, by no means am I in the same financial place I was as a child. My family and I are all in a more financially secure place, and I live a way better life than I did as a child. However, in my mind, my ex boyfriend’s wealth represents true financial stability – something I lacked so much growing up.

How can I tame these irrational thoughts? I absolutely love my current partner, but how can I stop thinking about my ex (who didn’t share my values)? What can I do to let my irrational fear of financial stability go? Thank you.

– Financially (in)Secure

Go to therapy. This is something to talk about with a professional.

You have a fear that’s haunting you, which means it’s something you need to process over time. A therapist can help you break it all down and tell you how to better manage your concerns. There are ways to escape from these patterns of thought. Get some tools, and consider it a worthy expense. (Also check into insurance benefits, etc.)

For the record, I’m sure your ex’s money made you feel safe in one very specific way, but you know there were other problems. That’s why you broke up, right? Had you stayed with your ex, the divide in values would have ruined things. Maybe the money would have gone away after that.

You don’t really want to be with you ex, of course. This is about learning to believe that the path you’ve chosen won’t lead you back to your childhood.

Sometimes admitting what scares you is a big part of controlling it. You can also ask your partner about meeting with a financial advisor to plan for the future. That’s a good thing to do anyway, and it might help you breathe.

But start with therapy. If you’re already in it, explain how this fear changed after the engagement – and ask for help.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on how to manage these fears?

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