I'm competitive with my sister

Friday | May 30, 2025

Love Letters Relationships

I’m competitive with my sister

In case you missed this: We are giving away pairs of tickets to a Love Letters night at “Two Strangers (Carry a Cake Across New York,” a musical at the American Repertory Theater. I have now seen the show, and I will say: it is very Love Letters. There is an entire wonderful song about Tinder swiping.

You can enter to win tickets here. Honestly, this show is great for friends, and if you’re getting married this year, take someone in your wedding party as a thank you.

You can also buy tickets to that Love Letters performance, which includes a very Love Letters after-show talk.

How do I untangle the subconscious competitiveness I have with my older sister, who is not that much older than me? It’s a competition I don’t want to be part of, but I find myself slipping into old patterns.

The competitiveness stems from childhood when she pursued boys I had crushes on, to later, when she bought more presents for my daughter than I could afford, etc.

Sometimes I feel small around her, and sometimes I think I have done something better than her. I’d like to learn how to feel confident in my own abilities while also not allow her snide comments to go by unchecked.

Nor do I want to feel superior to her. Do I bite my tongue the next time the competition starts, or do I speak my truth?

– Sister

If you’re not in therapy, consider it. It can be a short-term thing. Your sister’s behavior seems to hit you in the most vulnerable places, and it might be nice to talk that out.

With or without therapy, try to treat your sister the way you want to be treated. That sounds obvious and easy, but it takes some intention. There’s some mirroring here, right? She gets mean or thoughtless, and you get defensive, quiet, maybe angry. But if you show her how a confident, kind person behaves – and how lovely it can be – she might follow along.

This new way of being might involve speaking your truth when something upsets you. What does a self-assured, loving person do after that kind of moment? Maybe they say, “Ouch, that hurt a little bit,” or, “FYI – I’m a bit sensitive about that.” Don’t let it fester. That’s how one weird comment turns into 20 years of resentment.

She might turn to you at some point and say, “The way you said that one thing hurt me.” Maybe you’ll find out this goes both ways.

Your sister might not be able to get on your level with this. Regardless, you can control your own decisions and set an example.

Sometimes we perform health and confidence, and it’s like practice – and then it becomes the genuine default. That might be the case here – that you behave the way you wish you could, and eventually it’s the new status quo.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you get along with siblings? How has it changed over time?

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Featured Comment

One way to change the dynamic is to convert competition into appreciation. Contemplate what your sister IS good at. Say so. Talk to yourself when she’s not around and say it to her when she is. … That is one way to soften you both.

Another method is to NOT CARE. Or maybe TO ACCEPT. Let your sister be better. Even at things she isn’t. So what? Does it actually matter? … Replace the fear of not being first with the love and understanding that you are enough, right now.

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