You’re not asking for advice, right? You’re using this space to confess. To unburden yourself.

That’s not what Love Letters is for. We love giving advice – and sometimes it’s unsolicited! That’s why I’m going to offer some now.

If you want any kind of happy, healthy, future with your boyfriend, you should break up with him now. You’ve taken something great and poisoned it with months of lies. You’ve told yourself you’ve above commitment and rules, and that you’re allowed to do whatever you want to keep the relationship going. That’s not true! If you leave sooner than later, you might have a shot at starting over with him in the future, when you’re both ready for big promises.

Breaking up with him will also give you space to figure out what you actually miss. Right now, your choices are rooted in a fear of loss; you’re trying to keep what you have while pursuing a new kind of life. But it’s difficult to make good decisions when you’re juggling everything at once.

Ask your therapist to help you figure out practical next steps toward being on your own. I know it scares you, but that’s life – a bunch of risks, rewards, and changes, all of which require courage. This is a great time to learn how to count on yourself. If you can figure that out, you’ll make better choices with a partner.

If you love this man – if he’s really your best friend – you’ll let him go. It’s what’s best for both of you.

– Meredith