I don’t feel like my communication with my partner is very good. One of the problems is that if I bring up something that (unbeknownst to me) is a trigger point for her, she will have a bit of a meltdown for hours or days, becoming noticeably agitated, blowing things out of proportion, and tearing apart plans that we previously made.

We were recently invited to a socially distanced small gathering that will be attended mostly by her friends. I mentioned not drinking (for myself) at this gathering to support her friend’s partner who is uncomfortable with drinking and might otherwise be the only non-drinking person there. My partner became angry and accused me of (among other things) not wanting to support her or have fun with her, not wanting to be social, and briefly uninvited me from the event. When I explained that I was just trying to support her friend’s partner and I was still going to be at the party hanging out with her and having fun (I just wouldn’t be drinking alcohol), she began attacking the friend’s partner and saying how these were his issues that he needed to deal with himself, how she felt like he and I were judging her, we were making this into an issue, and that she was just going to have the whole event canceled. It really seemed like a huge, over-the-top and surprising reaction to something I thought was a relatively mundane statement about not drinking at this party.

Since then, I have noticed that I am now subconsciously censoring my communication with her, not wanting to mention anything involving this guy, drinking, etc. This is just one example, but there are other areas where I realize I am now trying to avoid talking about certain things, because she has become really upset and initiated fights about those topics in the past. I don’t think this is very good. It feels like I am walking on egg shells.

Communication is a two-way street and part of the problem is my self-censoring and suppressing things that I otherwise would bring up and talk about. But the reason I’m avoiding them is to avoid a fight that would consume our relationship for days. Is this my problem? Part of me wonders if her reactions are genuine or if there is an element of manipulation here. After all, she has successfully gotten me to not bring up certain things now and into the future. I don’t think she would be intentionally manipulative, but maybe this is just something she has learned to do to permanently avoid topics she doesn’t want to hear about? I just don’t feel like this is very healthy in a relationship. Shouldn’t we be able to bring up ordinary things and talk through them calmly like adults?

– Self-Censored