Dear Meredith,

“Oliver” and I met online and hit it off right away. I am in my late 30s and being attracted to someone is rare for me. We had interesting conversations and laughed together. All of the nice things.

He had a vulnerability about him that seemed to stem directly from childhood trauma. He was very open about this on our first date (telling me had had an unusual childhood involving foster care in his teens). This gave me pause because of a past relationship with a man who’d had similar experiences (he had abandonment issues, alcoholism, and a raging victim mentality). It took me a while to disengage from that man and I am wiser now. I never felt for that man after a year the way I felt about Oliver after only four dates.

Oliver goes to therapy weekly, so I didn’t want to judge him or lump him in with the nightmare from years ago. He’s working on his issues, so I decided to focus on that.

By our fourth date I was basically a goner, even though I tried to keep it to myself (I am a love skeptic and not much of a swooner). We had a undeniable chemistry, and we both agreed that there was “something here.”

After our fourth date he spent the night. Sort of. At 2 a.m. he woke and asked if I would be offended if he went home. I knew my answer didn’t matter. He was going. His anxiety rose, I could tell, and he got dressed quickly as he told me how it was all too much. “It’s just too much,” he just kept saying. I’ve never seen such panic and discomfort on someone’s face and I knew it had little to do with me and everything to do with his issues.

I gave him space for a day and a half before texting and asking him to talk to me. He responded only with a cold “Sorry. No hard feelings. Not wanting to talk about it.”

I can tell you with complete certainty that this was not an effort to get me into bed. It’s clear that he has issues with being close to anyone, but he’s not a child anymore and he should know how to apologize by now.

A week after this happened I sent him an email saying simply that I missed talking to him, appreciated how he made me feel (before), and hoped he was well. I did this not to be pathetic but to live without regret, and hope that sending positive vibes out into the universe will send some back to me in some way. I have not attempted to contact him in any other way.

I think I could put it behind me if he would just talk to me. A relationship is not an option, and I know he probably wouldn’t want to talk about what caused his panic, but an apology would make a huge difference for me to be able to move forward.
So how do I deal with the reality that I’m not going to get an apology? That despite how he claimed to feel about me, he’s just disengaged completely?

– Bitter Over Disappearing Act