I wish my sister and I were closer

Monday | April 8, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

I wish my sister and I were closer

We have a non-dating letter today. I like these – and somehow I know they relate to how people experience other relationships. Let’s branch out.

Taking all questions about dating, not dating, apps, breakups, friendships, divorce … everything. Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Dear Meredith,

I have an eight-year gap with my littler sister and we have different dads. We also live far from each other.

I wanted a sibling for as long as I could remember. We grew up pretty close, and even after I moved out I would come home weekly to spend time with her and my mom. I fear the biggest problem between us is our relationship my stepdad (her dad), who died when she was pretty young. It was unexpected and very, very difficult for our family. I try to keep his memory alive by sharing stories and photos. I organize memorials and tributes to him and write about him in my journal. Last month marked 20 years since we lost him and I ordered a memorial plaque for him. I miss him everyday. I was lucky to be raised by my stepdad.

I’m not going to go into the drama of the relationship with my biological dad, but I’ll sum up that it left me with some trauma and abandonment issues at a young age. He died when I was in my late 20s.

I feel so lucky to have been raised by someone who truly loved me for me, and never made me feel as though I was not his biological daughter. He loved my mom fiercely and showed me how a husband and father should treat his family. For some reason, I feel like my sister holds it against me, that I share memories of her dad. Perhaps because I had more time with him, or since I was older, I have more memories.

I can’t be sure, but she’s attacked me for sharing memories from my childhood. She been inconsiderate to my feelings, dismissive of my suggestions, and tag-teams with my mom to make me feel left out. I’ve always felt like the black sheep due to many reasons, and it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. After years of therapy and a master’s degree in social work, I finally learned how to stand up for myself and set healthy boundaries. This became too much for the fragile state of my relationship with my sister and she didn’t take well to my higher self-esteem. I have several close female friends that I consider my “chosen sisters.”

I know that some siblings just aren’t very close. But she and I used to be. I did everything in my power to look out for her since her dad died and let her know she’s loved. As we aged, she just pushed me away. I have tried to talk to her but the conversations aren’t productive. And they ended when she started sharing my text messages with our mom. I feel like she broke “sister-code” and I cannot talk to her in a vulnerable way anymore. I keep waiting for her to grow up, become self-aware, and realize that she misses her big sister. She is now in her 30s and we only talk at family gatherings and send one-liners for birthdays. My question for you is, how has your relationship with your sister changed over the years? Do you think there is hope for me to have a better relationship with my sister? I have the most ridiculous dating stories but I’ll save those for another letter.

– Big Sister Blues

1. Yes, send the dating stories whenever.

2. Sometimes it takes a long time before sisters (or any siblings) figure out a way to be close. Maybe it’ll happen when she’s 40.

3. It doesn’t have to be like the movies! We have this onscreen model where sisters can be best friends, and that’s great …. but real best friends are people we get to choose. They’re just as important.

4. This one’s about grief, in general. Some people are uncomfortable with what they see as a performance of grief. It can feel competitive if one person goes bigger with it. I’ve never had this experience first-hand, but I see it with friends and their families. One sibling experiences grief in a nonlinear fashion, or very privately … meanwhile, the other is taking pictures by a grave and posting them on Facebook. Understand that the way you honor your stepdad, even years later, might not align with how your mother and sister have processed this. That might be uncomfortable.

6. Along those lines, another thought: I was super close with my mom, and my memories of her opinions are still pretty sharp. That puts me in a weirdly powerful position. When I’m with people she loved, I can tell them how she felt about them. I will tell one of her former piano students, “She loved when you came over. She said you made the music sound like something new.” I will tell her old friends how happy they made her. I make an effort to fill in gaps for people who didn’t get as much time with her. Especially with my sibling, who sometimes didn’t get to see how much my mom appreciated her.

Maybe that’s a lesson? You can honor your stepdad all you want. But some of what you do, as an ambassador, is to tell your loved ones what you noticed. That he loved them too.

Maybe one day you can say, “It always felt like we have grieved in different ways. I hope that didn’t prevent us from staying close.” Or maybe it’s best to say that to yourself – and let go.

Give it time. Hang out with your friends. When family stuff comes up, let your sister take the lead. That seems to be what she wants, and she’s a grownup now.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on how to get closer to a sibling? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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Featured Comment

“Well, first things first. You can’t make someone have a relationship with you, even if they are related to you. Some people (like me) don’t even have sisters, so having a close relationship one can be lovely, but not entirely necessary.

There could be many reasons your stepsister is distant, from the age gap to difference in values, to just being different people who can’t find common ground. The example you give seems related to something to do with your stepfather, but its actually entirely possible its not what you think it is. I’ll try to say this in the nicest way possible, but your description of how you are remembering your stepfather sounds a little like an obsession. It’s less likely to be that you had more time with him, but the fact that you are continually focused on him. Tributes, memorials (all of which I assume are on social media), plaques, I’m thinking maybe this is all a little over the top. Even if your sister didn’t feel you were ‘hogging’ the relationship with her biological father, she, and your mother, may feel these expressions are over the top and attention seeking. Please examine this behavior.

I also think you are trying entirely too hard to have something that just might not be able to have. You say you have good friends you consider sisters. Focus on those people and getting the most out of the time you do spend with your sister (you still talk at family events it sounds like) without waxing too emotional and getting pushy.”

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