I Want To Reach Out For Closure

Thursday | August 25, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I Want To Reach Out For Closure

Annoyed with your partner? Having trouble on apps? Dealing with a crush? A breakup? What’s on your mind? Send a letter to [email protected] or fill out this form. We will chat next week, before Labor Day.

Hi Meredith,

I’m a man in my early 30s and recently fell into something strange and new with someone important in my life who’d ended a long-term relationship. She initiated it over the span of a few months and then ended it for sensible reasons. She’s not feeling emotionally available, and caretaking responsibilities will likely send me away, maybe permanently. We also share professional circles (another concern) and lead rich lives separately.

There was physical and emotional intimacy but never sex; we both felt on different occasions that it was a bridge we didn’t want to cross. I welcome the possibility of a lasting relationship with her but I don’t believe the moment is right. I feel like I navigated the waters as best I could, but reading other letter writers has me second-guessing.

I am compelled to say something to her for some kind of coda and to express how I feel correctly. What’s the accepted and appropriate thing to do here? I feel like some words would bring me – and perhaps her – some kind of (dis)closure, but I understand the need for space. It would also be the first time in my life I’ve ever done this (previous relationships were simple fades and frankly did not reach this level of intensity). I have an email all queued up but part of me thinks it’s an exercise for solely myself.

– Parting Words

If she asked you not to talk to her, don’t reach out. But if communication was left open, sure, go ahead.

Disclosures can feel good at the end of a relationship, and if you believe there is any confusion about your feelings, sending that email could help.

But do not send anything until you understand exactly what you’re telling her. Are you asking to get back together? I assume not. Are you telling her you’d like to consider spending time with each other in the future? Are you simply showing gratitude for the time you spent together? If you could boil it down to two sentences – a thesis statement – what would the note say? Make sure you’re very clear about the message.

The email can also be short. Like, “I want you to know that felt nice to be with you. I hope that if we’re ever in the same place (mentally and physically), we can try this again. Let me know if the stars align, and in the meantime, I hope you’re well.” If that’s it … that’s it.

Before you hit the button, consider how you might feel if there’s no response – or a short one. Part of the issue is that she’s emotionally unavailable, right? She might not have the bandwidth to match your tone, and that’s OK. Her response might be a “thank you” with some well wishes. That’s its own coda, by the way. Even a non-response counts as closure.

– Meredith

Readers? I know there’s a case to be made for not sending the note. Are you on Team Don’t Send? If so, why? If you think it’s worth sending, what’s the LW’s call to action? Have you sent a similar closure note – and if so, what happened?

Relationships

Featured Comment

You were a rebound (too soon guy) after the end of her long-term relationship and she gave you the typical excuses. She isn’t interested so the closure email will only reinforce the reason she left in the first place. Don’t send. Stop fantasizing about an ‘almost’ and wait for a new, available person.

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