I Want To Get Engaged Before He Goes Away

Tuesday | April 12, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

I Want To Get Engaged Before He Goes Away

Dear Meredith,

I love reading all the questions and responses on here. It’s always great help for me when I’ve hit the relationship wall. My boyfriend of seven years just got accepted to a school about five hours away. He’s worked so hard, so we were all very ecstatic that he’s on his way to finally completing the degree he’s wanted so badly.

We are both nearing our mid-20s. We have really become best friends over the years and I can’t imagine him leaving for two to three years, especially since I don’t think I’ll be able to join him. I had no idea he was so serious about going away for this degree, however, I completely support him in this incredible opportunity. Lately, though, all I can think about is how we’re going to make our relationship work. For the last seven years we’ve gone out on weekends, gone out to dinner, and shared our physical attraction, and that was always enough. Now I don’t think it will be.

I would really like to get engaged, but I believe he thinks it’s too soon. Both our families have dropped hints that maybe it’s time for a little progression, and I certainly have as well! I feel that he sees an engagement as a restriction, one that won’t let him go to school, or that we have to get married, or even have children (all things we both aren’t quite ready for yet). We have occasionally spoken of the future, although it’s a subject he feels is very uncertain (something that always frustrates me). I’m just a little tired of waiting for him to decide he’s ready or for him to decide I’m what he wants.

Is it time I pull out an ultimatum? Should I be afraid of him running for the hills? Is seven years a bit too long without some sort of big commitment? Help.

– Getting left behind in Cali

“Is seven years a bit too long without some sort of big commitment?” No. You guys were teenagers when you started dating. Stop thinking about the seven years and focus on what feels comfortable right now.

“Is it time I pull out an ultimatum?” No. How about a plan instead? Distance will be difficult, so how will you bridge the gap? How often can you visit? Is it at all possible to move with him at some point? Ask him to get honest about how he thinks this might work and what you guys can do to keep the connection when he’s far away and busy with school.

Getting engaged is less important right now than him involving you in his practical plan for the next few years. You should feel like you’re in on the goal. The bigger questions can come later.

– Meredith

Readers? Should an engagement be on the table? What can they do to make this work?

Distance Proposals Relationships

Featured Comment

Moving to a new city and going to school changes people. People figure out who they are and what they really want. You are afraid because you know your relationship will finally be tested and might fail. I would say, let him go, don’t push him, and work at your long distance relationship. If you two survive the distance and grow together during this time then great! If not, you are not meant to be. While he is gone, you should try to grow as a person as well.

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