I was struck when I recently read about a celebrity who said that she and her husband have a pact to take care of their bodies and maintain a healthy weight and exercise so they can be at their best for each other.

Weight has been a big issue in my marriage of almost 30 years, and I’d love your take on how to handle our current situation. We got together at 21 and were both somewhat overweight. He’s a big eater and I ate along with him and gained a ton of weight. He gained weight as well but not as drastically as I did. The weight caused fertility issues for me and so much unhappiness. I finally found the courage to have weight loss surgery 12 years ago, lost most of my excess weight, bounced up some after a while, and lost a lot again over the last few years with a better diet and exercise. I get eight to 10,000 steps every day walking the dogs, go to a personal trainer, and try to watch what I eat. I have lost weight, but it’s more that I’m much more comfortable in my body and so much healthier.

My husband, meanwhile, is now obese, does not exercise at all although he has time (in our many years together, he has hardly ever exercised or expressed any interest in fitness), and does not seem to care at all about making healthy choices in his diet. He’s on multiple meds for blood pressure and cholesterol, a sleep apnea machine, and has erectile dysfunction. Just going up the stairs leaves him gasping for breath. We’re both in our mid-50s, and I’m so concerned about his health, frustrated about the sexual problems, and annoyed when he lectures the kids about their food choices. The kids worry about his health too. When I try to talk to him about taking care of his health, he gets defensive. I rarely talk to him about it because I’m embarrassed about my struggles and feel I’m being hypocritical.

During the 18 years before I became healthier, he always supported and loved me, told me I was attractive, was really fine about it, so I feel terrible that I am NOT fine with his obesity. I want him to make big diet changes and get exercise so he has a long and healthy life but also, selfishly, because I am turned off by his weight and am hoping the sexual problems will be resolved.

I’ve worked so hard on my weight and health, and I find myself not respecting him when he sits down to a huge plate of unhealthy takeout and spends every weekend in front of the TV. Is there a way to get through to him? I thought that modeling healthy behavior might help but nothing has changed over the three-plus years that I’ve been really careful about diet and exercise. Should I resign myself to watching as his health continues to decline? Work on myself so I am more accepting and loving?

– 10,000 Steps