Not sure this is a question, a thought, or me just not being able to sleep at night. I met this guy three years ago. It was the first very strong connection I’d felt in such a long time. We met on a dating site. It read as a movie, finishing each other sentences, creating excitement out of any little thing. Then, just as fast as it arrived, it disappeared. Before even meeting, he seemed to suddenly lose interest. He explained he has bipolar disorder and had also met someone with the same diagnosis. He’d decided he wanted to pursue that relationship. I was at a loss, but I let it go.

I had just separated from my husband of nine years a few months prior. By the time the separation came, I had already been mourning the loss of our marriage for years. This new moment in my life was a gift, something unexpected. So I wasn’t mad at this guy when he explained what had happened. I wished him well and asked him to reach out if he ever wanted to in the future.

After a month, we connected again. This time we ended up meeting and then dating. I was head-over-heels for this guy. He had a place by the water and we would spend summer nights in his apartment, windows open, the music flowing. It lasted four weeks before he left a nine-second message on my phone saying, “Yeah, I just don’t know,” and disappeared again. I was devastated.

Yes, he appeared and disappeared again – and again and again. Like this for three years. I could describe every single detail, but this letter could go on forever, and I might feel a bit silly trying to explain why I didn’t give it up. We are no longer together. It has been a few months now. This time I did the unthinkable and actually blocked him, for his sake and for mine. I am dating, and I feel OK about it all.

The thing is, if I were to think of my last day on Earth and the world is ending, I think I still want to wake up with him. I want to go back to that apartment, by the water, with the open windows and the breeze. And that energetic feeling, and that voice that I could listen to for hours. I read the other day somewhere that fidelity is not about staying forever, it’s about continuing to come back. Even now, I can’t help but smile when I think that maybe there is still a chance that I will see him again and that we will be close again. Not sure what this means for us, but isn’t it wonderful to keep feeling love regardless? How do I manage these feelings?

– Smiling