I Object To My Spouse’s Political Beliefs

Wednesday | July 20, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I Object To My Spouse’s Political Beliefs

Contemplating a breakup? A crush? A divorce? Getting back on an app? What’s on your mind? Send a letter to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been married for almost 30 years (second marriage) and have reached a crisis in this relationship. I am having great difficulty dealing with my spouse’s political beliefs. My political leanings are moderate to liberal. Meanwhile my spouse, during the years we’ve been together, has gone from being moderate and not politically involved to becoming more and more staunchly conservative and a politically right-wing Trump supporter.

Several months ago he was fired from his long time employer (25 years) for refusing the COVID vaccine, which at the time caused me fear and much pain in our relationship. I could not come to grips with his stance, which I felt was unsafe, extreme, and undermined our future plans (since I was on the cusp of retiring). After much soul-searching I decided to try to accept his decision not to be vaccinated as his own personal choice, which he should not be forced to make by outside sources. Our adult children (some from my first marriage, another from our marriage) were strongly against his decision and it caused a rift in our family. Since I accepted his choice, things have improved but it’s not perfect (what is?). They have communication with him through me and will visit us but don’t really care whether he is involved or not.

The recent events in the news have caused this divide in our political beliefs to re-open. I fear this will keep happening and could get worse. I sometimes wish I could just “live and let live” and not let these differences affect me – but it’s been difficult. In fairness, he has found another job to replace the one he lost, he is supportive of me, and a helpful and kind partner. But not when we argue! We get upset and emotion takes over both of us. For the sake of saving our marriage I’m trying to figure out if I should just find a way to accept our differences (we can’t really talk about them without fighting). I know if I let it bother me then we’re in for trouble. At this stage of my life, I want peace. This turmoil is the last thing I want, but I feel insecure and it’s hard to move forward. I’m open to any and all advice.

– Differences

I’ve received many letters like this since … oh, let’s say, 2015. Political differences existed before that, but for many, the divide changed. So did my understanding of why some marriages are “saved” and others dissolve.

I have to assume that some letter writers, the ones who never checked back in, aren’t with their partners anymore. Others might have stayed but wish they hadn’t.

This question is about what you can live with. We all have different deal-breakers, different problems that make us want to walk out the door.

I guess I’d say that there should be no pressure to accept things as they are – to stay married by finding some middle ground. The ground has shifted and everything is unsteady. Sometimes I suggest that couples in this position volunteer for an organization they both believe in, so they can see where their values overlap, but in your case, that might not be enough. Also, his “kindness” in other parts of your marriage might not make up for the rest of it.

You should consider whether it’d feel better – and less lonely – to be single, making choices for yourself without considering your partner. People evolve out of relationships for so many reasons. Politics is absolutely one of them.

You want peace. Will you ever have it with your spouse at this point? It doesn’t sound like it. He might feel the same.

– Meredith

Readers? Time for a divorce? Have you – or anyone you know – been able to keep a marriage happy despite these kinds of differences?

Relationships