My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but have stuck it out because we love each other(?).

I have a master’s in nursing, worked two to three jobs while he was sick, and stuck beside him to show how much I do love him. He gave me COVID, and I now have long-term COVID and retired early. I had a walker, and his actions showed that he was embarrassed. Many times he said, “You need to get rid of that thing.”

Our biggest argument is that he goes back to our hometown every so often because he has family and friends there. Almost a year ago, I found an email between him and a woman. He was asking why she hadn’t answered his calls. Asked if she’d been drinking and said that he was coming to see her. He showed so much concern for her, I didn’t know he had it in him. I flipped out. I mustered all the strength I had and kicked him out. Our son got him a hotel. He came to the house every day with the pretense that he wanted to see our grandchild. I let him come back home.

He denies sleeping with anyone. He won’t give me any info on this woman. I did my own detective work and found out who she is, that she lives in the town we moved from, and she’s married. I told him all of this last weekend. He was so cold. Admitting nothing. He walks away, says it’s the past. I told him he doesn’t get to decide when my broken heart mends. I am so very embarrassed and hurt. I want to call her but I don’t want to hear what she will say. I feel like I can’t breathe. I know I will never be able to trust him again. I had a full STD panel, which was negative. He said, “See, I told you I wasn’t sleeping with anyone,” and my response was, “No, you’re lucky.” This man WILL not take accountability or show any remorse. I feel that he is going through the motions. I mentioned a divorce, he didn’t decline it or accept it.

Counseling is out. We went four years ago; he went twice and quit. I continued and I learned some valuable things, but none to help me endure this pain. I’m a spiritual woman and I am praying so hard, but I’m lost and I’m hurting. He is adamant that he isn’t talking to this woman. In my heart I know he is lying. I also found more evidence (a hotel stay) in the search history on his phone. He lied and continues to lie. How do I move on? Snooping only gets me to a more broken place. I’m praying, but no direction. Staying with him causes me anguish and pain, thoughts of leaving feels the same. I’m in a desperate place. I’m please give me some guidance!

– Desperate Place