A.

First, thank you for this letter. 

The Boston Globe’s Miss Conduct has retired. This kind of question would have gone to her. I don’t have her practical intelligence – she is very good at examining ethics and responsibility – but I can answer this question through the lens of feelings.

My childless-person take: the onus is on you to ask these people to come over.

At 30-whatever, when my friends were having most of their kids, I assumed their post-childbirth days (and weeks) involved quality time with partners, close family, or even alone. I assumed I’d be in the way.

I figured that in the moments they weren’t busy, they’d want to try to sleep.

I do remember going to a friend’s house a day or two after she was home from the hospital, and sitting there while she stared at a wall, but that was a very close friend – so it felt more like family.

That’s why you have to invite these people over. Tell them you’re happy to watch TV with them for an hour, or have some tea while catching up on anything you’re missing. Make the request clear.

So often in life we have to ask for the company we desire. It doesn’t mean people are rude or don’t love us; they’re just guessing wrong. 

One of my favorite memories is sitting with a friend in bed while she pumped breast milk. She was mostly ignoring me and watching “Bachelor in Paradise.” I’d never seen the show, but she explained it to me. I remember her saying, “This is so nice.” She looked very happy to be passively entertained, and to sit under covers with a friend who didn’t mind the apparatus on her body. I thought, “This is fun and easy! We could have been doing this the whole time!” All she had to do was tell me.

So do that.

On the isolation: if you’re feeling a lot of things at once (of course you are!), talk to a professional about it. There is no reason to go through any of this alone, and if you ask your doctor for help, they should be able to provide a list of counselors who are great at helping people adjust to an ever-changing new normal. 

– Meredith

Readers? Did you have to tell people to come over? Did you want people to come over? How is this different for different people?

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