I Feel Weird Being Around A Former Fling

Tuesday | March 15, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I Feel Weird Being Around A Former Fling

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Years ago, a good friend and I had an on-again, off-again fling. The relationship was strictly about the physical (a lot of grilled cheese) and both of us didn’t say it out loud, but decided it wouldn’t go further (he was scheduled to move away soon, and we were young). We kept our fling completely secret from our friend group because we didn’t want everyone to know our business.

The fling died as expected when he moved away. Fast forward six years and I am happily married and he is in a serious relationship. We haven’t stayed particularly close, but he remains good friends with those in our friend circle. His girlfriend (soon to be fiancée) is a friend of one of our mutual friends. Although he moved back to the area about two years ago, neither of us have made any effort to keep in touch. I personally don’t like thinking about our past and the guilt of keeping our relationship a secret from our friends and my now husband (to be clear, I met my husband after that relationship).

We put on a good front when our friend group gets together, which is less frequent now that we’re all in our late 20s and in different phases of life. I know it’s silly because it was years ago, but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable around him, given the relationship we shared. The problem I’m having is that our mutual friend (the same one who introduced him to his now girlfriend) is a classic social butterfly and likes to keep the friend group together the best she can. She will often text me unsolicited updates about his life with photos of him, talk about him when we get together, and invite him to social events without telling me. This friend understands something happened between us that changed our relationship, but doesn’t really understand what that event was. She insists that I get over whatever I’m feeling and act normal around him. How do I navigate these friend interactions without explicitly telling everyone about our past? I’m so tired of having to grin and bear it.

– Full of Regrets

One thing to remember is that you probably weren’t the only one with a private life back then. It’s possible that other friends were hooking up, keeping secrets, etc. When a bunch of old friends get together, there’s usually a lot of history, romantic and otherwise. These people are thinking about their own stuff, I bet. Or maybe they’ve long moved on from it. That’s how it goes.

If you love this friend group and don’t want to decline activities because of this person’s presence, I do think it would help to redefine his importance. You hooked up long ago, when you knew you wouldn’t be able to pursue a relationship. You both met other people. If the fling didn’t feel like a big secret – one you have to continue to keep from those you care about – you might be able to think about it less. Maybe it’s about telling your husband you had a short relationship with this man before you met. I don’t know your husband, of course, but many people really don’t stress about their partner having a past. Perhaps that’s the lie that’s getting to you. There’s a world in which he knows, it doesn’t have to be a dark secret, and it doesn’t matter anymore. Think about that possibility.

For the record, I’m not saying you must tell him. It’s your own business. It’s just … for some people, this wouldn’t be a big deal.

It’s annoying that the social friend is pushing this on you. For all she knows, this person did something to hurt you. You can be clearer about your boundaries with her. You can also choose to ignore the information you’ve asked her not to share.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but depending on the personalities here, it might help to break the ice. Somehow this former fling has become a larger-than-life part of your past – someone you’re avoiding in a room because of history. Maybe a few conversations with him about where you are now would remind you that this is old news. He’s not a temptation, and you’re both very different now. You signed this letter “Full of Regrets,” and I’d like you to think about why. Is there a reason you feel shame about this? It’s something to consider.

– Meredith

Readers? I know the personalities involved dictate what happens here, but how can the LW make this a less important part of the past? What are other ways the LW might deal?

Relationships

Featured Comment

As we mature in life, we reset our priorities. Your priorities shifted between this earlier relationship and meeting your husband. You changed, your expectations of your partner changed, and you built your marital relationship on a different set of values than the ones that drove the fling. It appears to me you are afraid to share with your husband that you did not arrive on the planet as the person he met. We are both the some of our experiences and the person we choose to be when make large life decisions: like getting married. You are the person you are now, you are the person he met, and he should understand and accept that regardless of the route you took to arrive in his life.

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