I Feel Guilt After Ending A Long-distance Relationship

Thursday | July 14, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I Feel Guilt After Ending A Long-distance Relationship

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Dear Meredith,

I recently ended my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We started off in a close group of friends, and then started dating three months before we graduated from college. Both of us moved back to our hometowns after graduation, so it seemed like a doomed relationship from the start.

But he was the person I trusted, and I love hanging out with him. So I took the risk. Then a month into long-distance, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt like we didn’t have the same connection online that we did in person. We didn’t know when we would see each other again. Both of us were trying to figure jobs and life. I couldn’t handle the thoughts in my head telling me that long-distance wasn’t for me.

I still love him and I wish it could work. I get mad at myself for doing this to both of us. I hurt him and hurt myself. Should I go back and tell him I’m sorry and still want to be with him? This is a question that keeps running through my mind – and I want it to stop. Financially and logistically, it didn’t seem to work. But long-distance has worked for some of my friends, but with their high school sweethearts or long-term significant others.

I miss talking to him but I know that is something we shouldn’t do. Talking to friends and being with family has helped. I just feel so guilty and angry for hurting him. I’m confused, angry, sad, and guilty for ending something that was good. I don’t know what I’m asking, but I need some advice.

– Distanced

I think you’re asking for an endorsement of this breakup. I can give that to you.

You were feeling bad one month into the long-distance relationship. Also, you had no light at that end of the tunnel – no plans to be in the same place. Breaking up was the best, most logical option, even though it hurts.

The more selfish decision, based on what you said in this letter, would have been to drag it out and make him think you were invested. A lot of relationships last months (sometimes years) longer than they should because one person doesn’t have the courage to say it’s not working.

If he were local, or if it had been easier to be together in person, you would have tried harder. But he was far away. You knew it wasn’t good for you, so you dealt with it. Now you’ve set healthy boundaries. Well done.

Guilt is part of this, and it makes sense that you feel bad for hurting him. Of course you miss him – he was your friend and more. You also probably miss the ease of college and community. But please know that the sadness doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision. Give yourself time to adjust to this new phase of life, and maybe, at some point, the two of you can resume some kind of connection.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW reach out to the recent ex? What about feelings of guilt and doubt?

Relationships