I drive her everywhere
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Q.
One of my best friends, whom I’ve been close with for five-plus years now, has one REALLY obvious flaw. She’s stingy.
For years in our early 20s, I was the only one who had a car and who was willing to drive to any event or function we had. We’re now in our mid 20s, but to this day I rarely hear her offer to drive anywhere we go, and I’m just automatically the driver (which doesn’t bother me much because I’m used to it).
Recently she got her own car. It’s my birthday coming up and I assumed that because of the amount of times I’ve driven her everywhere, and because she got her own car, she’d offer to drive me (I also drove her over an hour to her birthday celebration a few months ago), but to my surprise, nothing.
My boyfriend advised me to just simply ask since it was something that bothered me, so I did. She agreed, unenthusiastically saying “sure.” Not five minutes later she revoked the statement and used “bad weather” as a reason that she maybe shouldn’t drive.
I don’t know why but this is bothering me so much and I genuinely don’t know how to express it. Because from an outside perspective it’s a really small thing, but to me it’s the principle of NEVER going out of your way to do me the favor of driving, especially on my birthday and especially because I have driven her so many times I couldn’t possibly count. And I can definitely count on one hand how many times she’s driven me in the past five years.
Other than this, she is genuinely a great friend. So it feels weird to feel SO bothered by this. Should I communicate this to her? And also, how? I feel like it’s always so awkward to point out someone’s stingy traits because they’ll always have a “reason” for it (like bad weather).
– Bad weather
A.
Bring it up and let it be awkward. Sometimes life is awkward! Occasionally you have to wade through discomfort to get to a better place.
By the way, driving might make her anxious. Maybe she’s terrible at it. You say she’s “stingy,” but is that the case, for sure?
Maybe she’d rather do 1,000 other acts of service. Truly, I would rather clean a five toilets than mop a floor. I don’t like mopping floors. Some chores are annoying, others not so much. People have preferences.
Tell her this has been weighing on you, and that you wish you had said something earlier. Explain that you thought the car purchase would mean that you could get a few rides – or could do less chauffeuring, at the very least.
She might be offended or feel threatened, but be clear that this is more of a question than an indictment. Also, she should understand why you might say no to giving her a ride sometimes.
Yes, you’ll make it weird. But you’re right – this isn’t a big deal. Maybe the reason it got so huge is that it doesn’t match with the rest of the friendship. That’s worth saying too – that everything else is “genuinely great.”
There won’t be a perfect moment. Do it whenever you’re making your next plan.
– Meredith
Readers? How would you bring this up? Think there are other issues with the friendship?
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