Q.

Dear Meredith,

I have been trying so hard for so long to make my current relationship work but it still feels totally one-sided. Been together almost nine years now. Own a home together we bought after only dating a few months.

We are both divorced. Different ethnicity, different religion; I’m 60s, she’s 50s. I’m a computer guy, worked from home for many years. She’s a mental health professional who works from home most of the time.

I am always helping her with stuff, and she assumes I’ll do anything, even with no notice. Compromise is such a challenge, and getting her to see anything other than how she already sees it is almost impossible.

For so long, whatever the issue, some aspect of how I said it – volume, tone, word choice, etc. – became the sole topic. I can literally never raise something about her without her finding things I did that affected her, even if not related.

I now almost never raise my voice, use proper tone/language etc, and she still refuses to accept any negative feedback. We have been in therapy for almost a year. A few months ago our therapist said maybe she has ADHD, so she saw someone and that was confirmed. Explains so much.

Lately she is on new meds and I guess it’s not worse, at least, but it’s not much better. She claims I am responsible for my feelings and she has a right to do/say whatever. Flip that, though, and if I say something that made her feel some kind of way, it’s on me to say it differently – so I walk on eggshells.

Long story longer: I am not sure how much more patient or understanding I can be expected to be. I feel like I’ve already devoted so much to this and seem very little if any effort from her. She has had anxiety, so we could never do stuff I like in nature – stuff she said, when we first went out, that she would do with me, but we have never done. Yet she expects me to go with her to cities I don’t really like.

Last thing (maybe last straw?) my children are in their early 20s. Given the state of things in the world, my ex and I let them live with us. They had been splitting time in each home. Even that became too much for my partner – if my kids had friends over, it aggravated her concerns about having any strangers around. I ended up telling my kids they have to stay with their mom for a while till I work this out, and I miss them so much.

In the past I have not been very self-aware but evolved a lot since having kids. I know I have not always been a good person, and I have a lot to make up for. I still think I have a right to be happy, and I feel like everything I do is supporting her life. 

I’m also lazy. I don’t want to go through and pack all my crap up and throw stuff out and have to uproot myself again. I feel fortunate we’ve built a life here. We have an acre of land. I have a job and I can work from home – so I could work anywhere. I just don’t want to have to change my whole life. All I want is just a little more compromise, and I’ve given so much. I think I deserve that.

Am I right to just leave? Should I give her a little more time? The ADHD diagnosis was only a couple months ago. She’s already tried a couple different meds, but not much changed.

I don’t know. Guess that’s why I’m writing.

Any guidance or insight you could share would be very much appreciated. Read this column every day and your balanced responses. Along with the wide variety of comments are always enlightening.

– Thank you