A.

I love this question because I used to have crushes all over the place – mostly on strangers. Bookstore employees, bartenders, guys on the T, maybe a musician onstage somewhere. Then there were the celebrity crushes (too many to list).

As I got older, I didn’t have them as much.

I would notice when people were cute, but it basically stopped there – probably because I didn’t spend time telling myself a fictional story about them. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they were brave, perfect, amazing, could be the center of the universe, etc. (I think that’s because I’d learned that my assumptions were often wrong.)

Maybe you’ve reached that conclusion at a younger age. 

After 30 or so, crushes crept up on me. Perhaps I’d known someone for a long time and they hadn’t seemed crush-worthy, but then they’d say something fascinating and I’d be like, “Wait, are they … adorable?” 

That might be the kind of crush you’re capable of now – that crushes that come after real intimacy. It might involve moments where you’re like, “Woah, that came out of nowhere, and now I think this person is hot.” 

Crushes on strangers might get you to a first date, but a crush on someone you know – even a crush you develop on a fourth date – could get you into fantastic relationship.

Maybe it’s all about patience.

You’ve made me curious about developmental psychology and crushes, so I’ll look into the science. I don’t think we grow out of this as we get older (I have many 40-something friends with wild crushes), but I imagine they’re less potent? I’ll report back.

– Meredith

Readers? Do you still get big crushes after a certain age? How do those crushes change?

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