A.

Yes, you probably altered the relationship by continuing this kind and thoughtful routine, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.

To be clear: I don’t think your friend is being selfish – or even notices this problem. She might even think you like the way this works. Maybe she assumes she’d be bothering you if she reached out.

You can talk to her about this, or you can simply do less. That’s up to you, and based on personalities. If you think the truth will hurt her feelings too much or make her feel defensive, maybe a conversation isn’t the move. You could change your behavior and see if she meets you halfway to compensate.

But that might seem passive-aggressive. Less direct, for sure.

Really, if she’s a good friend, I’d have the talk. Make sure you use all of those “I statements.” As in, “Sometimes I feel like if I didn’t call, you wouldn’t call either. I don’t require much, but if you think to call me and make plans, I’d love that.”

She might ask for examples of how this would work. Maybe she’ll need to think about it.

Perhaps she’ll say the new normal isn’t as normal as it seems.

Please consider whether she’s a plan initiator in other parts of her life. Some people are the social coordinators/cruise directors. Others are on the invite list. Maybe this friend is more passive with plans in other relationships, too.

If you’re sick of planning so many things in general, reach out to friends who are just as good at your role. Maybe you need more time with friends who actively demand your presence. Text them and say, “Invite me!”

Some balance might be nice.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you change the routine with a friend? Do you have to call out the change or is there a way to simply shift the behavior?

More holidays approach. As we contemplate … everything … send relationship questions through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].