How should I advise younger women?
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Q.
Hi Meredith,
I need advice on advice. What is your advice about maintaining friendships with women who are not in a relationship when you are in a great relationship?
I do a lot of mentoring as part of my work, and I am not sure what advice I should give.
Women in this situation say they want to share their happy details with their friends but do not want them to feel badly or jealous. They say that they always try to find time for their unattached friends and always attend any events (be it brunch, birthday party, or just hanging out) that are important to them. They are often asked about their love life but are not always sure that their friends want to listen; maybe they feel they have to ask.
This is compounded if the friend(s) are co-workers or supervisors. They struggle with wondering whether their work friends will think they are not as committed to their work if they are busier with a relationship outside of work. This comes up frequently, and, of course, the issues are compounded once someone is married and then even more challenging once there are kids in the picture
– Advising
A.
I would tell these women the following:
- 1. Your single friends might love being single. Do not assume they envy you.
2. Don’t feel guilt about expressing happiness because many things can make us happy. It’s on you to figure out how your friends are finding joy, and how you can support them. Are you asking about more than relationships/dating? What about work, travel, and hobbies?
3. Friendship goes beyond huge events. You might be super busy, but if you’re very close with someone, make sure your check-ins don’t feel obligatory. You can send a meme on a random Tuesday.
4. We can be so hard on ourselves. Before you get defensive about what you might be doing wrong as a friend or how you might be perceived, take a deep breath and consider that it might be OK. When you get into a good romantic relationship, it can change the rest of your life. That’s scary – and can be uncomfortable (especially if you have less time for friends) – but if you give it time, there might be a new normal.
5. We need work-life balance as humans. It’s interesting to see who feels bad about that and when. No one has ever said to me, “I’m training for a marathon. I fear that will ruin my reputation at work.” But yes, I am asked by women, “Will my personal choices about relationships and family make me less valuable in the office?” This is why we must call it out. It’s great to say to a boss or work peer, “I’ve taken time for a vacation and have come back refreshed.” Work is important, but after you do a good job, go do something else. If you’re not comfortable sharing details about your personal life at work, don’t. It’s your own business.
– Meredith
Readers? What would you tell younger people who ask you these questions? What does this say about a culture at work?
What’s on your mind about living with someone, becoming single again, dating, love, loss, complicated friendships, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
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