How Do I Forgive Myself For Cheating?
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Q.I was married to my first husband for many years (together for more than 20). We had three children together. He became an alcoholic and lost many jobs, and it became unsafe to stay with him.
I started dating a separated friend after that. He stayed married to provide insurance for his family. We dated for three years and then got married. His ex accused me of breaking up their marriage, even though I had nothing to do with it.
My first husband died unexpectedly after I got married again. At the time, everything was so hectic. I lost myself. I was crying at work when a married coworker talked to me and asked if he could kiss me. I did not respond. He kissed me. This led to a four-year affair where we were intimate on and off. We never called each other. We would just leave work early to be together sometimes.
As soon as my husband and his wife received calls from a different coworker telling them something was going on, they called me. I admitted to it. I can’t understand how I did this. This was such an ugly start to our marriage.
We are still together. It has been a rough road. I still work with my affair partner. It is hard. Thank god for counseling.
My question is: How do I forgive myself?
– Guilty
A.This kind of healing requires time and patience. Every day you show up for your husband is another day you’ve moved on from your past. Every good memory you make adds to your shared history. Remember that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You can make peace with what you did without expecting the guilt to vanish.
Some things to think about:
1. You don’t mention loving your husband. I mean, I’m sure that’s a piece of this. But try to write this letter again (for your own records) with a new section (no paragraph limit) about why you’re working to save the marriage. Explain why you were drawn to your husband and why you stay. Maybe it will be easy to write that kind of thing … or not. If it isn’t, that’s something to consider.
2. If you’ve focused on couples counseling, consider getting your own therapist. One-on-one work might help you cope with your past without having to relive it with your husband. It would give you space to talk about the kind of things you keep inside when there’s an audience.
3. Consider looking for different work. You can have a happy life without a professional scenery change, but it might be nice to start over.
– Meredith
Readers? How can the LW move on from this history?
Be civil. Be kind.
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