How do I advise a friend in a bad relationship?

Tuesday | November 26, 2024

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How do I advise a friend in a bad relationship?

My best friend’s long-term boyfriend strung her along for years, only to tell her, when she thought he was proposing, that he doesn’t believe in marriage and having children, and does not have any interest in committing to her long term. She is unhappy but won’t leave because she thinks she’s being selfish but she’s asking me for advice. What do I do?

We have been friends for nearly 15 years. She started dating her boyfriend about ten years ago. He’s…fine. He isn’t cruel but he doesn’t show any interest in her hobbies or friends (I don’t have his phone number, even for emergencies while she and I lived together, and I don’t think he knows my last name). They only moved in together, after half a decade of her asking, because his family convinced him.

He constantly travels, often for weeks at a time, without inviting her, turning his phone off.

She wants to get married, buy a home, and have children but has constantly tried to convince herself she’s happy with what she has now.

She and I have both been in abusive relationships before and she’s convinced her urge to run is a trauma response instead of common sense. In the time they’ve been dating, I met my spouse, moved in together, got engaged, married, bought a house, and are now expecting our first child together. We have a healthy, communicative marriage – and one that includes us knowing and loving one another’s friends. We had easy conversations about major relationship milestones, and both of us, who love her, are worried about her long-term future and happiness.

Obviously I cannot make her do anything, nor would I want to, but I don’t know how to broach the topic without ruining our friendship or feeling like I’m pitting myself against him. I want her to be happy and have a joyful, fulfilled life and relationship that doesn’t come with constant disappointment or just straight up goalpost shifting. Help!

– Help

This is the time to ask a bunch of questions – if and when she broaches the subject. I don’t recommend broaching it on your own, unless you’re asking about her happiness, in general.

Some Q’s that come to mind, if said broaching occurs:

“Do the two of you want enough of the same things?”

“What are some other options here?”

“What do you think it would be like to be single?”

“How do you know the difference between a trauma response and your gut telling you to try something new?”

“Is centering yourself so bad? Why would it be selfish or wrong to seek a partner who shares your values?“

“What do your think your future self would tell you?”

I can think of about 50 more, but you get it. So much of advice-giving is asking the same questions in a bunch of different ways. Sometimes it’s about prompting someone to think about other paths.

I don’t think it would be helpful to compare your relationship to hers; do not explain why your partner is doing everything right. Really, not everyone is going to have names and numbers of friends in phones. (I mean, after 10 years you’d think they would, but it’s not required.) The big question is whether she’s happy. Don’t lose focus.

It’s very difficult to watch close friends make choices you don’t like. I would imagine it’s extra hard when you’ve been through your own trauma. Try to untether yourself from her choices, if you can. You want to be there for her, but you’re on the outside of this.

This isn’t for you to fix. That attitude might help shape your questions and support.

– Meredith

Readers? Does your significant other have your friends’ contact information? How can this letter writer advise without alienating?

Send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

But any time she asks, you should just remind her that they do not want the same things and if she really wants different things, she needs to move on. And tell her “moving on” isn’t the same as “running.”

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