How ADHD Has Affected The Marriage

Wednesday | June 14, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

How ADHD Has Affected The Marriage

Single and stressed? Coupled but it’s complicated? Have a question about your love life or lack thereof? Submit your own question here. You can also email [email protected]. I’m reading this weekend and ready to answer.

I’ve been with my husband for almost eight years and married for five of those years. He always suspected he had ADHD because he is very forgetful, has trouble focusing and planning, has periods of binge shopping, and a tendency to start multiple projects without finishing any of them. He finally got a formal diagnosis. He’s trying meds and working on new habits to help him organize his thoughts.

Because of this, I have taken on the “organizer” role from the very beginning, including setting up our budget, tracking credit card and bill-payment due dates, organizing important paperwork, being the “project manager” of countless home improvement endeavors (some of which have eventually been completed, others not). I make reminders for myself to remind him to do things, and have convinced him to go through his excess possessions and project materials on a regular basis so that we don’t live in constant clutter. Our house, garage, and shed are only so big.

I often feel mentally exhausted and frustrated from having this role from the beginning. I could be more relaxed, but I feel that I have to take on these tasks for my own sanity. I can let certain things go for a time and choose battles wisely, but eventually I still come to the same feeling of resentment. I’ve talked with a therapist about how to better manage my feelings and take action with my husband to prevent the resentment from building up and boiling over. I understand that I need to make some effort here.

Also, as of late, he has been sharing YouTube videos with me of content creators with ADHD explaining what it’s like living with it, so that hopefully I can better understand where he’s coming from. I completely understand how difficult things must be for him. But I can’t help feeling frustrated and wishing that I could walk away from this and lead a simpler life where I’m not constantly managing things. I do plan on talking to him about my thoughts and trying to find a way to work together on outstanding projects and tasks. Now that I’ve vented, do you have any words of wisdom or advice that can help me navigate this situation? Thank you so much for reading.

– Frustrated

It sounds like the two of you are just starting the process of figuring this out, now that he has a formal diagnosis and more help from mental health professionals. A reminder: you don’t know what this will look like in a year or more.

That means patience is important. But also, self-care seems like a good thing to put on the agenda. Could you stop some of these projects for a weekend and enjoy each other? It sounds like there’s a lot of fixing happening – and improvement is good – but what if you spent a few hours on a day trip that had nothing to do with finishing projects or next steps? It could be about remembering why you chose him to begin with.

You might also consider what can be outsourced. I’m reminded of the time I hired an organizer to help my with my late mom’s belongings. This woman wound up assisting me with my own systems of organization at home. She noticed that I always threw my bras on the floor. I explained that no matter how many times I promised myself I’d put a bra away (as opposed to tossing it on the ground), I never changed my behavior. She said, “Oh, well … just a hook then.” Suddenly, there was a hanging hook right at the place where I usually created mess. (FYI, if you’re local, feel free to DM me about the organizer person.)

The point of the story is that hiring that woman for a few hours made my life cleaner, and I didn’t have to change any of my habits. She was building systems for living around my instincts. Someone like that could be helpful. Delegating other tasks in ways that are affordable (paying someone to remove mess) might be worth it – again, if it’s financially possible.

Last thought: support groups can be great. A quick search lead me to a few ADHD/marriage-focused groups, and I’m sure doctors can recommend.

Good luck – and yeah, more therapy is a good idea too.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this an issue for you at home? Other issues here?

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