His secret Instagram account

Monday | March 17, 2025

Love Letters Relationships

His secret Instagram account

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I need a sanity check because my husband thinks I’m crazy for how I’ve reacted to this situation.

We are both in our early 40s and have been together for over five years. Over the holidays I discovered my husband had a secret Instagram account where he followed hundreds of women who dress provocatively, etc. I was absolutely STUNNED when I discovered this on his phone (please note: I had to use his phone to unlock our car since my phone was dead; I was not spying on him because I fully trusted him).

He always told me he never looked at other women, he never watched porn, and how I was the only woman for him, so this discovery has absolutely shattered me. I have kept this revelation to myself for the past three months and it is tearing me apart.

Anyway, when he saw my reaction after seeing the Instagram app open on his phone, he grabbed his phone from me and he wouldn’t let me have it for a few hours. He said he was mortified and embarrassed and how he could not stop shaking. He eventually let me have his phone. I downloaded the data from his profile so I could see the truth and I discovered he set up this account a few months after we started dating under a fake name and fake email. To say I was devastated to discover he had been hiding this from me the entire time I knew him is an understatement.

He does not view having a secret social account as cheating, but when I asked him how he’d feel if this happened to him, he admitted he’d feel very hurt. He insists he never messaged anyone and that he only used the site to look at women to “get ready for me” before we were intimate. I find this very hard to believe

Up until this discovery, I thought we had a great relationship and marriage. We have always had a very healthy sex life – I’m the one often initiating and I have always had the higher drive – and I thought we were fully open and honest with each other. I have only ever had eyes for him and now I find it difficult to even be in the same room with him.

We have three kids together and I really don’t want to break up our family, but I just don’t understand why he would lie and hide something like this basically throughout our ENTIRE relationship.

He hasn’t shown much remorse for this either except for apologizing to me. He seems to expect me to just move on and forgive him because to him it isn’t a big deal.

Am I overreacting or is this the new form of cheating?

– Devastated

What stands out to me is the part where he told you he doesn’t watch porn or think about other women.

It’s healthy to think about other people. Pornography is not inherently evil. If he only thought about you every time he was in the mood, and noticed no one else, I’d be worried about him!

Don’t you notice people? Don’t we all?

His “I’m a one-woman man, even in my mind” way of thinking might have led to this secret Instagram account, which became a something hurtful. Something that made him shake with shame.

Would you be OK with him exploring his fantasy life in other ways? Is it the Instagram thing that bothers you? If so, maybe you should tell him. One of the issues, I think. seems to be that these are real women – people he could message. (I do assume some of the accounts are bots, but … they all probably seem accessible.)

To be clear, I don’t love the idea of a secret Instagram account where he’s following moms of your kids’ friends, or the local librarian, or people who do seem around. But if the account is a bunch of women in hot clothes who have 500,000 followers and live in some other place, it sounds more like porn, to me. It’s something to look at – to inspire fantasies.

Every couple has to decide what they define as “cheating.” This would not count for me. But if this were me, I would say, “Hey, go have a fantasy life. Don’t feel like you have to shut off your brain. Maybe that will make our intimate life more fun.”

But that’s me. This is you.

He told you he wouldn’t think about anyone else, but I’m not sure that promise ever made sense. Can you accept a new reality and let him know you’d rather hear the truth? Consider it.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it the Instagram account or the fact that it was a secret Instagram account?

Thinking about a crush, single life, a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].

Cheating Relationships

Featured Comment

I think the part that’s bothering her is the lie. However, I think this lie is one you can get over with time. He’s embarrassed by it which is why he hid it. Maybe that’s the only way he can get turned on.

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