‘His Health Bothers Me More Than Him Chatting With Other Women’

Monday | March 28, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

‘His Health Bothers Me More Than Him Chatting With Other Women’

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I have been seeing this man for two years. We started out as friends with benefits. This past year it’s just been the two of us, no other people on either side. He still chats with other women, but says he hasn’t been intimate with any of them.

When he’s at my house, his phone is on silent and he keeps it facedown for the most part. Not long ago, the phone was facing up and he got a call, then a text. He was asleep. I thought it was his pregnant daughter needing something, but it was an ex-friend-with-benefits wanting to know if he was coming over.

That’s one issue. My other issue is his health. I knew he had COPD when we first started seeing each other. It was not bad then, but he continues to smoke. He had a bad flare up, an urgent care visit was needed, so I took him. On the way back to my house he had such a bad coughing episode, he blacked out. Come to find out it wasn’t the first one. He has had several episodes, one where he wrecked his car.

My late husband died from similar health issues. I had such a strong mental reaction to my boyfriend’s episode. His health bothers me more than him chatting with other women, even though his behavior with these women is so disrespectful. I can’t and won’t watch another man I care about die like my husband did.

Should I cut and run like hell even though we have made plans for the future? We are both 60, not young adults any more. I pretty well know the answer, maybe I just need an unbiased opinion.

– Run?

“… even though we have made plans for the future …”

Have you?

It doesn’t sound like you’re exclusive at the moment. Does he plan to continue to talk to other women? How does he explain that text?

My guess is that the two issues that bother you – the women and his health – are dealbreakers. Also, the issues are not mutually exclusive in your brain, and that’s OK.

It sounds like you don’t trust him to take care of himself or follow doctor’s orders (the smoking, etc). You’re still dealing with the trauma of your loss, and that makes caregiving complicated. On top of that, you’re caring for him while dealing with confusion about the state of the relationship. How does he see you? What kind of commitment does he want? You didn’t tell us how he treats you, how he explains his behavior, or if he’s empathized with your experience at all.

I do think you know what you need. My guess is that you might be on board to care for someone you love, in a committed relationship, when that person does a good job loving you back. That doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the letter writer stay? Go? Why?

Relationships