Dear Meredith,

I have made it almost a whole two years of dating my partner without sending you a letter. Maybe it’s the self-isolation or maybe it’s Maybelline, but I need your advice. My partner and I dated for a little over one year in person until I moved far away to chase a career. Initially we broke up, only to get back together to give it a try long distance. It was AWFUL at the start; jealousy and miscommunication abound. We had our first fight at a distance, followed by a second one two months later. Then all seemed to be fine and dandy. A great five months of no arguing and pure long-distance bliss. Well, that is until today.

Last night was FaceTime date night, which became “deep talks” night. During that talk it was revealed he found my anonymous social media account (i.e. Reddit). Last fall, he had found my previous account, so I made a new one. I used the old one to post things, ask for advice, and comment on other posts. The advice part is what was kind of tricky. With the previous account, sometimes I asked for relationship advice, and most commenters would reply “dump him!” even when the issue was fixable. After he found a post and it led to an argument, I stopped asking for advice in general, even on my new account when I made it. Yesterday, I made a post asking for advice about some friends of mine. During date night, I ended up asking him the same question because I wanted his advice. He then admitted to already seeing the question earlier that day when I posted it. He told me that he had been checking my account as part of his daily ritual (!!) and keeping tabs on me for months now. He said he feels awful about it.

I went to bed OK only to wake up feeling upset. Today we talked and I actually got mad, an emotion I don’t often feel. I felt like he didn’t trust me, that he was crossing boundaries, and I didn’t know why he did it. He told me how his ex was dishonest (I knew this) so his social media stalking started around then. He said it became his way of checking in on me because I live so far away and am not always immediately open when I go through something difficult. After more arguing, he mentioned how he feels toxic, and his behavior makes him think he’s not actually ready for a serious relationship. He doesn’t want to break up; he wants to get through this.

As one of the lucky ones working from home, I was planning to drive out to spend time with him, and have been quarantining myself to ensure I don’t get him sick. Now I’m finding it hard to be as all-in as I was before. I’m debating not going to see him. I’m debating if we are prolonging the inevitable breakup because long-distance has been so difficult for us. I keep trying to remember how easy everything was in person. I’m frustrated because he sets expectations for this relationship and consistently falls short himself. I want to be with this person so badly, but I can’t carry our team on my shoulders forever.

– Feeling followed