He’s Given Me A Year To Move – Or We Break Up

Wednesday | August 2, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

He’s Given Me A Year To Move – Or We Break Up

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight years. When I first met him, he was going to make a significant move in a month. He said he couldn’t leave because he was in love with me and wanted to stay to be with me.

We both love each other, but our relationship wasn’t the easiest. We both had our own issues, plus issues within the relationship. We’ve been through a lot these past years, but stayed together through it all.

My mother got sick in 2021 – big health problems. I am her sole caregiver. My sibling would put her in a home. My boyfriend kept saying over the last couple of years that we should make the move he planned for himself many years ago. He was fed up with his job and the town we live in – for understandable reasons. Our area has declined. He never stopped wanting to move, but with my situation as it is, this is the WORST time.

I thought we would move someday. He always said, “I will never move without you.” In May, he called me from his work parking lot saying he feels physically ill before going into work. He can’t take it anymore. He said he needs to move now, before it’s too late. He’s getting older and if he doesn’t move now, he might never do it. I wanted to tell him to stay but I felt he would resent me.

He moved July 1. We’re doing long-distance but he said he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to wait forever. He keeps pressuring me to pack my stuff and get there ASAP. He said he will wait one year. He said my mom can come too. I discussed it with her but she said she doesn’t want to move. I can’t blame her – she’s 79 with health problems, and she’s lived here all her life. Now I’m in the middle. Do I move to be with my boyfriend? He said he wants to marry me and start a life with me, which means my mom would go to a home. It would break my heart.

Or do I stay to make sure my mom is taken care of before she passes and just start a new life for me? I’ve been praying, asking everyone for advice, mediating – you name it. I’m just so stressed – can’t eat- lost 15 pounds – can’t sleep. I keep going back and forth. I want to be with him and marry him, but I don’t know if I would like this new place; I’ve never been there, and I can’t visit because I have to take care of my mom, and I have zero family or friends there. He has his dad and sibling where he’s living now. I want to be here for my mom. I don’t want to put her in a home. But if she dies, I will be alone. I have some family here but they have their own lives. But at least they’re here if I want to see them.

– Stuck

There’s this whole thing with caregiving where people will remind you that on planes, you’re supposed to give yourself oxygen before you put the mask on your loved ones.

I know that’s easier said than done. Prioritizing your own needs feels wrong. Sometimes it feels like you need to abandon everything you want to maintain someone else’s quality of life. But that’s not the case.

The big issue in your letter is that you’ve never even been to the place where your partner is desperate for you to live. Let’s start by correcting that problem. You say you have some family in town. Even if they have their “own lives,” they can check in on your mom for a week. Maybe they can stay in your house, or you can hire people to make sure she’s OK. Free yourself up to take visit to your boyfriend’s new home for as long as possible. Get a sense of his community and why he likes it so much. Find out what he’s like in this new place. I assume he’s a happier companion.

The trip might change the conversation you have with your mother. Right now, you’re asking her to make a big jump before you know what it would look like. If you go, you can explain how this could work for both of you. If you like the look of it.

When I first read your letter, I was annoyed that your partner was so desperate to move, and wouldn’t give you the space you need to continue to care for your mom. But he has his own mental health concerns – and his own family. He put off this move for many years. He hit a wall, and I get that. The ultimatum and deadline isn’t fun, but he’s trying to compromise. He would have your mom there. That means a lot.

I wouldn’t say you should choose a partner’s wishes over a parent’s. That’s not even the question, though. This is about what you want. Once you figure that out, you can explain your needs to everyone and go from there.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts? Is the deadline fair? As your own parents have aged, how have you figured out these questions with partners? Reminds me of this letter.

Relationships