He’s Too ‘drained’ To Move In Together

Monday | November 14, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

He’s Too ‘drained’ To Move In Together

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost seven years. I am in my early 30s and he is in his late 20s. Early in the relationship, he wanted to move in together, but financially I felt we weren’t there, and for the most part I was my mother’s primary caregiver. I knew if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself. At the time, he seemed to understand.

Fast forward to now. I am happy to say my mom’s health has improved significantly. I am now a supervisor at my organization and a college graduate. My boyfriend has also transitioned to a steady, well-paying job he loves. The problem is that whenever I bring up the topic of us moving in together, he always brings up the past of me not wanting to. He says he wanted to take that step with me for so long that now he feels drained.

Despite him still wanting to continue with the relationship, he says he’s not sure when or if he’ll be ready to take that next step. Am I the bad guy here? Could I have really pushed him away by wanting to be there for my mom and to not financially struggle? I don’t know how to navigate this because I do love him and want to be with him, but I also know I don’t want to be having “sleepovers” for the rest of my life. Please help.

– Meredith

He’s drained? Huh?

I’m sorry, but if anyone is allowed to complain about being drained, it’s you. You were the primary caregiver for an ailing parent and somehow managed to make your way through college. You tried to be everything to everyone, and it sounds like you did a pretty good job.

You made thoughtful decisions about cohabitation, choosing to delay until you were ready to be a good partner in a shared space. Your boyfriend’s response was to punish you – to imply that you’ve done lasting damage to the relationship. If you’re at fault here, he hasn’t explained why. Based on the information in your letter, he’s the bad guy – and pretty selfish, in general.

I understand that there’s seven years of history here, but his reaction to all of this sounds like a deal-breaker. You want a partner who understands and shares your philosophy about family. You want to know that if you ever needed to care for a loved one again, your significant other will understand.

You also want to be in a relationship with someone who’s excited to take the next step. Even if your boyfriend gives in, he’s removed all joy from the equation.

– Meredith

Readers? Who’s the bad guy?

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Featured Comment

He’s using the past as an excuse. You made the right decision for yourself at the time. Your circumstances have changed. The truth is, he no longer wants to move in together. He may no longer be invested in the relationship or he likes his living situation and doesn’t want to change it. Either way, it sounds like your relationship is stuck. He doesn’t want to move forward. Since he offers no idea that this might change, it sounds like this relationship has run its course.

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