He Won’t Tell His Family We Live Together

Tuesday | May 26, 2015

Love Letters Relationships

He Won’t Tell His Family We Live Together

Hi!

My boyfriend (30) and I (27) have been together for almost three years and we have been living together for 18 months. Our relationship is OK, but there is one issue that drives me crazy: He hasn’t told his family that we are living together.

This has created situations when I have to lie or omit facts, which makes me feel awful. He has a lot of excuses — he will them soon, or his mom won’t like it because she is very traditional (I know her, she is traditional but I really think she will be fine. My dad wasn’t that OK about my decision but I stood by it). I have been trying my best not to pressure him on the issue.

I have told him that this is important to me because I feel like he is ashamed of living with me, or that he thinks we won’t last, or that he doesn’t value this step as much as I do. But still nothing. I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting? (Important: He has a great relationship with his mom. He tells her almost everything.)

– We Live Together

“This has created situations when I have to lie or omit facts, which makes me feel awful.”

Here’s the thing – you don’t have to lie.

You can’t control your boyfriend’s behavior or make decisions for him about when he should tell his family about your living situation, but you can set your own rules. If you don’t want to lie anymore, don’t. Your boyfriend has asked you to be dishonest for 18 months. You can tell him that you won’t continue the deceit, but that you’re willing to work together to address the issue.

I have to wonder what promises were made when you first decided to move in together. Did he tell you that the arrangement would be a secret? Did he have a plan for telling his family? Find out how he expected this to play out. And don’t feel bad about asking – because you’re not overreacting.

Readers? Is she overreacting? What does this say about the relationship?

– Meredith

Family 🖤 Living Together Relationships

Featured Comment

I disagree with Meredith’s advice. LW, you agreed to this arrangement, even if you didn’t like it. To suddenly start telling the truth to your bf’s family would cause damage to your relationship.

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