He Bought A House Without Telling Me

Friday | July 22, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

He Bought A House Without Telling Me

Contemplating a breakup? A crush? A divorce? Getting back on an app? What’s on your mind? Send a letter to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been with a man off and on for 17 years. We are committed to each other, but he bought a house without telling me. I found out from a friend and it killed me. I broke up with him around the holidays. He said (and still does) that it was “for us.”

We have since gotten back together off and on again, and he still has the house. I asked why he hasn’t asked me to move in; he did say it was for us. He says that those who don’t learn from past mistakes are bound to repeat them.

Not sure what that means, but I’m at my wits end. He says he loves me, yet why can’t we be together? He says he doesn’t need a piece of paper (marriage) to tell me how he feels about me, etc. I want to move forward and he keeps dodging it. How do I get him to see I am the prize? I have a good job, am emotionally stable, mature, responsible, good cook, and a good mom to adult children. What is wrong with me?

– Feeling Helpless

It’s not about what’s wrong with you, it’s about what’s wrong with the relationship.

He’s not giving you what you want – not even close – but you both continue this dance. He likened living with you to repeating a past mistake, and has shown you that when it comes to next steps, he’s not interested. You’re not part of his process for making big decisions.

Instead of trying to get him to see that you’re a prize, think about whether you can be happy with the relationship as is. Because … as is is what it might always be. It’s how he wants it to be, right? If you know you want different things, why stay?

The “off and on” part of your letter says plenty, too. It sounds like the two of you use breakups to end conversations when they get complicated, but then you just hit the reset button. That’s not the same as resolving a problem.

If you want to move forward, do it – but on your own. Make plans and come up with a vision for the life you want. You can invite him to join you, but if he’s not enthusiastic about saying yes, go.

– Meredith

Readers? How significant is it if someone buys a house and doesn’t tell you?

Relationships

Featured Comment

17 years of off and on, get off the rollercoaster already. He won’t put you on the deed or move forward because he doesn’t see you as the prize you think you are, you are his backup plan when there is nobody else there. If you want a committed relationship end this mess and find somebody else.

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