Got to college. Betrayed my boyfriend.
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Q.
I moved to Boston a while ago for college with a long-distance relationship and everything was amazing. But when I got here there was a switch – and unfortunately I cheated on him. I tried hiding it, but when he first found out I lied about it, and he believed me.
He came to see me this past weekend. Everything was fine but then he went through my phone in the middle of the night and found evidence.
Nothing was ever physical with the guy; it was just I didn’t tell him I was friends with this person, and then I didn’t tell him I was going to parties. He found it all. He didn’t stay the night. Before he left, he held me while we cried, and it broke my heart.
I want to change and be better but I’m scared he will lose his love for me. It makes me so sad that he will remember Boston this way. I feel terrible and I just wish I made different choices.
Any advice about what to do now? I’m out of state, far from any family, and barely have any friends.
– Disappointed in Myself
A.
Don’t change to become a better girlfriend for this specific man.
Instead, make choices that reflect your new life as a person who’s ready for experiences.
It’s time to let this relationship go. Yes, you love him, but … you’re in college! He’s far away. You want to be able to go to a party and make friends without feeling awful about it. You shouldn’t have to report your activities for anyone’s approval.
That’s my advice – to tell your boyfriend you need to be honest. Explain that life in college needs to be about you focusing on yourself. It’s not about dating other men necessarily; it’s about being present during the experience.
Your boyfriend deserves to be present where he is, too. Allow him to focus on himself at home (wherever that is for him).
With no boyfriend, you might be better at making friends, noticing things, laughing about campus food with strangers, and going to an event instead of texting and calling someone.
If you’re meant to be with this guy, you’ll come back to each other. I mean, I don’t really believe in “meant to be” and the power of the universe, but I do believe that if people give each other time to grow, they find each other again if they want to enough.
Changing for the better means being honest about where you are. You’re at college, on your own, and it’s time to celebrate that.
– Meredith
Readers? Easier said than done, right? There’s a reason people wait for Thanksgiving break – because it takes a bit to figure things out – but … does anyone say stay together? If so, why?
Send your own question about friendships, dates, no dates, love, divorce, breakups, and families through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
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