I Don’t Feel Supported By My Fiancé

Tuesday | December 19, 2017

Love Letters Relationships

I Don’t Feel Supported By My Fiancé

Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Love Letters event.

Hi there,

My fiancé and I have been together for four years. We plan on getting married within the next year. We absolutely love each other – I hope.

He is very close to his family, and I often spend tons of time with them, doing what they like. I just feel like his family members are more important to him than I am.

A few years ago, one of his parents was rushed to the hospital with an illness. I dropped everything and went to be with them, and they were all so grateful.

During our annual vacation last year, my fiancé and I had romantic plans. All I wanted was to try one particular restaurant and to share a kiss on New Year’s Eve. But … he invited his family over instead. They speak a different language, so I was excluded, and he had no time for me at all. (They all know English very well but did not consider including me.)

My real problem is what’s happening right now. We have decided to relocate to a different place, and my fiancé moved to this new city before me, to look for jobs. While this happened, my own family member developed a health problem and has needed serous medical attention. I really need to lean on my fiancé right now – just as he leaned on me. But I can’t get ahold of him. He is taking his mother shopping. Or going to the car wash with his sibling. Or visiting another family member. He responds to my messages after hours.

He says he is trying to speak to me whenever he can, but I don’t feel that way. I want more support from him, but am I being too needy?

– Needy?

It sounds like you need to explain your needs, and to negotiate a plan ahead of time – before your boyfriend fails to meet your expectations.

Some people are excellent at caregiving and can anticipate the desires of the people around them, but for others, it’s a skill that has to be learned. Your boyfriend knows how to care for his family because he’s been doing it forever. You require more support than you used to; you’re allowed to explain what that means for the relationship.

Tell him exactly how much time you need from him, and then schedule those appointments. Ask him how check-ins can become part of your routine.

Understand, of course, that he can’t be available for calls 24-7. Sometimes people are driving, shopping, hunting for jobs, etc. Busy is OK – as long as he makes time later.

The whole asking-for-what-you-want thing extends to his family, too. You can always ask them what they’re talking about, and request that they include you in the conversation. Don’t assume they’re leaving you out on purpose.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts?

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