His Ex-wife Took Over

Friday | June 9, 2017

Love Letters Relationships

His Ex-wife Took Over

Hello Meredith,

My boyfriend of 10 years recently ended our relationship. It’s been weeks with absolutely no contact. After the break up, I was hurt and devastated. You see, he found out he had a benign brain tumor. I promised him I would be there for him and we would get through it together. But from the start, his ex wife was there. She wanted to control what I said to the doctors. She wanted to bring food to my house, but I told him I wasn’t comfortable with her stepping in. He told me she was concerned and that I should tolerate it. They have a close relationship and a child who is now a teenager. In the beginning of our relationship, they would go on vacations together and I flat out told him I didn’t like it. Who goes on vacations with the ex-wife? He told me they wanted to build memories for their child.

We got into another fight about her involvement, and then a day later he said it was over. He blocked my phone number. I did try reaching out to talk to him by leaving a voicemail. I had to call on a private line. He would sometimes respond via text but then block me again. So frustrating. This all happened weeks before his surgery.

I went to the hospital to see him before the surgery and the ex-wife was there. She told me I should not have come. When I went in to see him, he said I was stressing him out. I haven’t heard from him since. I have not tried to reach out. My question to you is: Did I overreact when it came to the ex-wife? Why didn’t he respect my feelings and tell her we were fine and to just go away?

– Blindsided

I can’t make any assumptions about why he turned on you so quickly. You didn’t say whether you were happy or close as partners before his diagnosis, and being together for 10 years doesn’t mean you were ready for this kind of stress.

I can say that sometimes it’s best for caretakers to figure out who does what, without placing that burden on the person dealing with the illness. In your case, you asked your boyfriend what he wanted, but then you didn’t like his answer. You didn’t accept it. That’s the part of this that doesn’t work.

My guess is that his relationship with his ex was always going to be a problem, so it’s best that he live his life on his terms, and that you find a partner who doesn’t have those kind of family ties. He wants her around for the most important moments in his life, and now you know. This was never going to work for you, so it’s time to move on.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she reach out again? What’s the lesson here?

Relationships

Featured Comment

It sounds like that, in 10 years, you never really accepted that his ex-wife, just by virtue of the child they have together, was always going to be in the picture. You can’t demand that she

just go away.u0022 You say she was trying to control what you said to the doctors, but it sounds like you were trying to control the conversations between your BF and his ex-wife.u0022 – mabbitty Share Thoughts