My Ex Said He Wanted To Return To Our Family – Then Didn’t

Monday | November 1, 2021

Love Letters Relationships

My Ex Said He Wanted To Return To Our Family – Then Didn’t

I’m waiting to read your relationship issue. Or your “I’m single and here’s what’s happening” issue. Send your relationship questions via this form, please – or email [email protected].

I was with my ex for seven years. We were married, had kids, and he had a lot of issues. We both did. He turned out to having a drug problem and developed a dangerous and violent drinking habit. We split up almost two years ago. I begged him to stop this behavior and try being sober. He left. He blocked me and had little to nothing to do with our children. Recently, he came back into the picture. He told me he changed, finished college, kicked the drugs, the drinking, the smoking. That he wanted to come and see us in the state we now live in. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend and wanted to reconnect. He told me he was on his way.

He said he had gotten so close … then he turned around, went home, and ignored my calls. In reality, he didn’t break up with his girlfriend and needed time so clear things up. He told me he loved me again – then he ghosted me for two days. He said he was afraid. He said that he needed to know it was real and asked me to prove it to him. He said he was just getting over me, had moved into this other woman’s house, started raising her kids, she loves him, and he was trying to love her. It broke my heart. He said he wanted to be friends and he wants a relationship with the kids but I am so hurt that it is just unbearable for me to allow that. He abandoned us. He said he was coming back. I don’t understand why I love him.

It feels like I’ve been cursed. What do I do? He agreed to come back after he changed his mind several times. I am so confused. I have tried to walk away and I keep getting pulled in. I told him I felt like he was leading me on when he confessed his situation and how he wanted to see if we could be friends. He doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend. I have no way to tell her, and not sure it would matter anyways since he left our family and joined hers. I am in so much pain. I feel lost and unsure. I have no one to talk to. What do I do?

– Lost and unsure

“I have no one to talk to.”

First, let’s deal with this issue. I’m not a licensed anything (we all know this), but I understand the importance of community and finding the right guides.

You could benefit from joining a group for people who’ve been affected by addiction. There are organizations that cater to those who’ve were once partnered with people like your ex. Call your doctor and ask them for help with groups in your area. You can also call your insurance company or your local Department of Public Health. This column should not be the only place to turn – and it isn’t. Massachusetts, for instance, keeps records of organizations that help people like you. Al-Anon is one option that might come up.

When you get to to this place – whether it’s to a group, a therapist, etc. – talk about how you can protect yourself and your children from these almost returns. You’re managing your love, disappointment, anger, and concern. But you’re also considering your kids, right? What’s good for them? How would you introduce this person into their lives again if he actually showed up? What does it mean that so far, he’s broken all of his promises? You are not in a position where you have to prove anything to him, by the way. That request shows you how far he is from understanding what he’s done. All of your boundaries should be in place.

I know this is painful and that you want him back. But this is so bad for you. You need consistency and a plan. Don’t even think about this other woman and what she knows. Work on protecting your home, growing your community, and finding the professional help you need in your area to get to next steps.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on breaking this cycle of almost?

Family 🖤 Getting back together Ex issues Alcohol addiction Relationships

Featured Comment

Stop believing everything this man says. He’s proven himself unreliable time and time again. He doesn’t know what he wants and just says whatever is in his mind at the moment. And then the wind changes. Live your life and raise your children and work on developing some social supports for you all.

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