Estranged from my mother

Friday | May 16, 2025

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Estranged from my mother

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I am estranged from my mother for good reasons. Other siblings are as well. When I have shared the reasons why with friends, they always agree that it’s better not to have such a toxic and awful person in my life. I have no regrets.

My question is what to say to people who ask me about her (if I see her often, etc.) when I don’t want to share all the gory details. I am in my 50s, she is in her 80s. We live a thousand miles apart. I have not seen her in 20 years. I don’t intend to ever see her again, even if she is on her death bed. I’ve said what I need to say to her, and that is done. However I am uncomfortable with the judgment I get from people (usually acquaintances at dinner or other events) when they ask about her and I reveal that we don’t have a relationship. I know they would understand if they knew the reasons for the estrangement, but it’s really none of their business.

So, do I leave these conversations with people thinking I must be a terrible person for not being in touch with my “poor elderly” mother? Sometimes I just say she she’s doing fine and don’t reveal more, but when they continue asking about her, or they are close enough to me that it feels awkward to blatantly lie to them, I am stumped about a good way to deal with this without revealing too much or coming off as the bad guy.

– Estranged

Say you’re estranged and leave it at that. You can also say you keep a “healthy distance” from her.

The thing is, no matter what you say, people might be left with more questions and judgement. You can’t stop them from projecting their feelings, or maybe telling you about their relationship with their own parent.

You might get understanding and support from people in a similar boat. I had an issue with a much older relative back in the day. I did not talk to her before she died. If you and I met at a dinner and you told me you don’t speak to your mom, I might say, “Do whatever you need!” – which would be an unsolicited endorsement, by the way. It would come from my desire to tell myself the same message.

People are going to be people. Even at their best they’ll have feelings, jump to conclusions, think about their own moms, and in the best moments, listen and move on.

Part of it is letting it happen and giving people a little grace as they process the information.

By the way, I deal with this sometimes when I tell people with children that I’ve never wanted kids. They can take it as a judgement of their choices, or a lack of understanding about why kids are great. Then I feel bad and tell them I love kids, and am so thrilled when other people have them. I explain that I’m happy to be an aunt-type (which is true). Then they seem to understand and relax, and I think, “I can’t believe that got so weird.”

It’s also possible I’m wrong about what they’re thinking, and that I’m rambling about children for no reason. Regardless, no matter what is said, after a second or two, the moment passes.

That’s what you can do – let the moment pass and move on to another topic.

– Meredith

Readers? Is there a way to talk about family estrangement without having to deal with opinions from others? Is it OK to lie in these situations? Would you jump to conclusions about someone to doesn’t speak to an elderly parent?

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Featured Comment

My husband deals with a similarly complicated thing.

Something that works for us to explain when people ask about her is, “Oh she is living her life down there in Florida” with a chuckle. Then casually ask them a question about themselves. If someone follows up for more info (usually they mean well, wanting to show they care about his life and want to get to know him better), he again makes has a bit of a joking and says, “Oh she is a real character, a very independent type” or “it’s a long story for another day lol”. The joking tone (though not obligatory) seems to put people at ease that they have not offended him, but he still isn’t going to give any details.

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