Do I End This Friends-with-benefits Arrangement?
I never do theme weeks, but I’d like to run a week of work-related letters. If you have questions about an office romance, crush, or breakup, please send them along to the form above. Or email to meredith.goldstein at globe.com with “office” in the subject line.
Q.I’m in a friends-with-benefits situation and I’ve caught feelings … again. This would have never happened if he told me this was nothing more than a hookup. I understand that’s what a FWB situation is, but he says certain things that make it seem like he wants more.
My problem is that we often only talk about sex. He will message me about sex and that’s it. At first we would talk more about life, but that was probably to keep me around. And he never asks me when I’m available to have sex. I’m always the one making the arrangements. For example, I asked him when I would see him again, and his response was “you can decide.” I feel like I’m always the one making an effort. Plus, he’ll mention other girls and say how attractive they are in front of my face. Comments like “Oh, she’s the hottest blonde at the party,” or “She’s so attractive she can get anything she wants.”
What confuses me is that he will get jealous when I’m around other guys (I’m in college, so I’m around a lot of guys). He will ask, “Is there anyone other than me?” But there’s no reason to ask because we’re not together. Sometimes he says, “I want to take you out on a real date,” but he never follows through.
What are his intentions? Does he care? How do I go about telling him how I feel? Or do I cut it off?
– FWB
A.You liked the way this worked in the beginning – when he behaved more like a boyfriend. You guys talked about your lives and connected as more than friends. Now it doesn’t feel like you’re good friends at all. It sounds like he treats you like an afterthought.
Tell him you’re no longer comfortable with the casual arrangement, and that you’re looking for someone who wants to be with you for real. He’ll probably try to keep you around – maybe he’ll make a few promises about dates – but stay strong as you walk away. You need to go out with other people to know what’s out there. You need a good basis of comparison for relationships because the bar has been set so low.
Just keep reminding yourself that you caught feelings when he behaved like someone who cared. What you feel now is longing – not for him, but for a better relationship. He can’t give you that, so you must move on.
– Meredith
Readers? Can this turn into something more?
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address