Dear Meredith,

I’m a young woman who moved to the US a few years ago for my PhD. I’m in a very difficult situation. I feel so desperate, depressed, and lost, like there’s no way out. For more than two years I have been in a relationship with a married man who was my advisor at the university (I eventually switched advisors so that he wouldn’t have to write a letter of recommendation for me to find a job or be involved in my thesis committee). I don’t excuse myself and I know most people would judge me very harshly, and I do too. Even though I felt overwhelmed and powerless by my feelings, and I felt as if I had no choice, I do know that I had a choice, and I did not handle it well. Being in this situation has crushed my sense of worth. I’m drowning, and it’s affecting my health, my mind, my whole life.

I am with him whenever he is without his wife. We live like we were married, and then I have to deal with the pain of his absence when he leaves. I’m extremely attached and in love with him, and I drop anything to just talk to him. I stop doing things to be available to talk to him when he’s free. I know we have an incredible bond and that he loves me, but he has been unable to separate. He’s afraid of hurting his wife even more (she’s never found proof of our relationship, but she knows). There’s also the effect this might have on his kids (who are not young anymore but this would be earth-shattering for them), the financial burden of a divorce, and how it would affect people’s perception of him. I try to be understanding but living in this situation has been heartbreaking for me too.

I love him deeply but I am also worried about how our future would be. There are moments when he becomes emotionally abusive and angry and it devastates me. He’s very possessive and I feel like I have to be careful with everything that I talk to him about and how I say things. The fact that we still have work projects together (even after I finished my PhD) makes everything so much more complicated. Our relationship already had a big impact on my professional life, which is just starting, and I’m worried how things will affect it even more, no matter what turn they take. I can’t focus on anything let alone work efficiently. He is uncomfortable with me working with other people, and I feel like I depend on him so much and that he could destroy my life if he wanted.

Most people would say that I’m a pretty, very intelligent young woman, and that there are plenty of interesting guys who want to date me, but I can’t bring myself to end things with him. I think I’m worried he’d be so afraid of such a big change in his life at his age that he’d stay married, no matter how terrible his marriage is. I’ve been thinking of replying to a letter his wife sent me and actually trying to talk and face the situation, but I fear his anger.

I’m really lost, I don’t know what to do, and I’m in desperate need of some advice.

– Drowning Girl