I Don’t Like My Friend’s New Boyfriend

Thursday | March 5, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

I Don’t Like My Friend’s New Boyfriend

Chat at 1 p.m. Time to send your own letter, yes? What’s the question you’ve been longing to ask?

Hi Meredith,

A close friend of mine recently started dating a guy who is divorced. After going on only about four or five dates, she invited him to a party at our friend’s place and they spent holidays with each other’s families.

After meeting him at the friend’s party, I wasn’t a big fan. He’s not a good conversationalist and kind of awkward (I was also skeptical of him because of the divorce). Later, I found out that he lied to her about being fully divorced. The papers didn’t officially go through until over a month after they started dating. This is a huge red flag to me and it bothers me how quickly they are moving.

She also agreed to go on a trip with him out of the country after only two months of dating. I want to be a supportive friend but I’m having a very difficult time doing so when I feel like she’s making some very bad calls. I try to focus on myself and not let the situation bother me but she always brings him up when we hang out and wants to include him in group outings. I feel obligated to tell her how I feel (nicely of course). Good idea? Bad idea? Also, how can I set boundaries with her so I don’t get too stressed by this situation? Thanks for your help!

– Him?

This is a tough one. You don’t want to start giving unsolicited advice. (I mean, maybe you do, but I don’t recommend it.)

You’re better off observing and asking questions. Checking in with her because you care. “This relationship is exciting and moving quickly. How do you feel? What has this experience been like?” That line of inquiry is safer right now. “Aren’t you mad about the divorce?” is probably not the way to start an open, honest conversation.

As for your own boundaries, do your best to see this woman alone, without partners. Make a dinner date and talk about other things. Make sure you’re telling her about your own life so it’s a real back-and-forth. Sometimes, when someone starts a new relationship, the conversation is a bit one-sided.

The thing is, at least a few people in our lives are bound to couple up with people we don’t love or trust. Unless we think our person is in danger, we sort of have to deal. I do think that you might change your mind about this guy over time. Maybe you’ll get a better sense of why she likes him and what he offers. Awkwardness isn’t a deal-breaker. The marriage lie … well, I’d like to know more, but it’s good to know the divorce actually happened.

My advice is patience, really. Everything is new, even for you.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the letter writer bring up concerns?

Friends Relationships