Do I Have A Right To Be Upset?

Thursday | March 11, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

Do I Have A Right To Be Upset?

I had a great time meeting some of our readers at the “Remember Me” screening last night. Love Letters people continue to be cool.

Meredith,
Let me start by saying that I love your column and relate to a lot of the people who have posted here in the past.
I’m writing to you in the hopes that you can provide some perspective and a harsh dose of reality for me concerning an extremely confusing situation with a friend of mine. Said friend and I have become close in the last six months, although we have known each other for a couple of years. It should also be mentioned that he’s very tight with a guy that I dated this past summer. After the guy I was dating ended things with me, I began hanging out with Friend and quickly realized we shared identical interests in movies, television, and humor. We got along great, but since I had just gotten out of a relationship, I was wary of getting hurt and Friend and I developed a very sarcastic, “buddy/buddy” friendship.
Friend and I discussed the possibility of dating, but he felt that a romantic relationship should develop organically and that we would be pressuring ourselves into dating if we did so at that moment. Despite this conversation, I still found that we were inseparable at group events, talked almost every day, and made out/cuddled on several occasions. I tried to keep everything in perspective and remind myself that he just wanted a friendship, but it was hard when I felt like our connection was only becoming deeper.
The situation reached a completely new level this weekend when, out of the blue, he mentioned a girl that would be coming to one of our mutual friend’s parties. I asked him who this girl was and he replied that it was his girlfriend. I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I have enough experience dating to know that Friend would have asked me out if he was really interested. However, I feel like I have put in the time and tried to be understanding about maintaining our friendship. If we were truly friends, wouldn’t he have felt comfortable mentioning that he was dating someone before he reached “girlfriend” status with her? Especially since we talk every day? Do I have the right to feel hurt and betrayed that he conveniently left this detail out of our day-to-day conversation?
Any thoughts you could provide would be greatly appreciated. I’m really unsure of how to handle this situation.

– Confused in Somerville

CIS,
1. You’re not just friends. You made out and cuddled. Not friends. More than friends. Friends with (not very many) benefits.
2. You have every right to feel blindsided and hurt by this new girlfriend. When did he get a girlfriend? When was he planning to tell you? Insensitive. Blech. Which confirms point No. 1. Not friends.
3. “I’m writing to you in the hopes that you can provide some perspective and a harsh dose of reality …” Don’t mind if I do! For whatever reason, this guy doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend. Maybe it’s because you used to date his friend. Who knows? What we do know is that he has been leading you on, and that he’s now rejecting you with little sensitivity.
I know what you mean about the time thing. “I have put in the time.” In a perfect world, that would matter. But in real life, it doesn’t. We can spend years trying to get someone to love us right, but there are no A’s for effort. This whole thing ended as soon as he said “girlfriend” and wasn’t talking about you.
Don’t give him any more of your time. Take some space. He’ll probably beg you to stick around (he quite obviously likes your companionship), but do what’s best for you, which is to go and find some other guy to think about. Look for someone who will take you to a party and then make out with you without surprising you with a secret girlfriend. Find someone who is comfortable saying that he wants to be more than friends.
Readers? Tough love? Is he a jerk? Or does this have something to do with her dating his friend? Is there a friendship for this letter writer to save? Help.

– Meredith

Relationships