Dating Under The Dark Cloud Of Cancer

Monday | November 9, 2015

Love Letters Relationships

Dating Under The Dark Cloud Of Cancer

Hi Meredith,

I’m a lurker and this is my first time writing in. You have addressed this issue before with others, but I feel my situation is unique in a way. I am a single female who has cancer (remission), but the cancer traveled to my lymph nodes before they were removed. I have complications from the loss of nodes, but I also live with the dark cloud of re-occurrence over my head.

My friends and family are pushing me to get out there and date, and I have signed up online, but when it comes time to meeting someone in person, I panic and find all sorts of reasons to cancel. Yes, you can make the argument that no one’s future is guaranteed and that I am under no obligation to disclose my condition to anyone on the first, second, or even third meeting, but at some point I will have to make the reveal. As I delay the disclosure, I feel like a fraud. Like I have a deep dark secret that, once revealed, will send the person running, and I just wasted their time and my own.

My friends and family all say, “Get over it,” and it is easy to say that when they are not living this life. I am in therapy to help come to terms with the bigger issue of having cancer. But how do you work that into a conversation when you meet someone you (might) like?

– Thank you for your time

Your best bet is to bring it up as you share other details about your life. Maybe you’ll talk about former jobs, and you’ll mention that you took time off to be treated for cancer. Maybe you’ll talk about family members and explain that your connection to them changed when you were diagnosed with an illness. If your date looks uncomfortable with the disclosure, say, “Do you have questions? I don’t mind talking about what happened.”

The good (and bad) news about dating is that people run in the other direction for all sorts of reasons. Maybe they don’t like your hair, or your jokes, or your taste in restaurants. Maybe they’re out with you but thinking about their ex. Some people will be put off by your health history, while others will see it as one of the things that makes you the awesome person you are today. Dating is pretty random like that.

I won’t tell you to “get over it,” but I will tell you that the more you cancel these dates, the worse this will feel. Continue with the therapy and talk about trying a practice date. Just one. Just to see how it goes. No expectations.

Readers? Should she be dating right now? Thoughts on disclosure?

– Meredith

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Featured Comment

Dear LW. You need a support group in the biggest way. You need to be around other people like you, who have experienced what you have and who understand your stressors. Please ask your doctor about a local support group or look online for information. You feel like you’re alone and that no one understands you and that shouldn’t be the way you have to live your life. Good luck and best wishes for a very healthy future for you!

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