Should We Continue This Long-distance Relationship?

Monday | March 9, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

Should We Continue This Long-distance Relationship?

Long-distance relationship people: I’m wondering how all of these virus-related travel issues are affecting you. If you’re in a long-distance relationship and are dealing with travel (a lack of Amtrak, general concerns, etc.) email me at [email protected]. Now for a long-distance letter:

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, the first year living in the same city and the last six months long-distance after I moved away (I was living in his home country to get a degree, and after it ended my student visa expired). I love him deeply and I feel lucky to have him in my life – I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else. But I feel conflicted about the commitment it will take for us to be together again.

He wants me to move back to his country, and although I enjoyed living there, I can’t see it in my immediate future, especially with concerns about getting another visa. We’re in our mid-20s and neither of us is ready for marriage. Maybe in five years I’ll feel differently about that kind of commitment, but is it absurd to continue a relationship knowing that we won’t be together in the immediate future and that I’m not sure our life goals will ever align? I love our texts, FaceTimes, letters, and visits, but I’m worried that if we were suddenly living together long-term, the adjustment would be challenging. I have always seen myself as an independent, educated, ambitious young woman and I don’t know how to accept the idea of a relationship that would require sacrifice and struggle, even with someone as wonderful as him.

– Stay together?

It doesn’t sound like you want to to the work right now.

That’s OK, by the way, because love doesn’t conquer all. Long-distance relationships require time, sacrifice, and money. Often they require pushing a lot of other priorities aside. You don’t have to sign up for that, and it’s great you know yourself well enough to consider walking away.

My advice is to listen to that gut feeling, the one that has no interest in applying for another visa. Also, be honest about what that means. Does your significant other know you’re five years away from making plans with another person? Now is the time to disclose that.

Understand that a breakup is a breakup, and that when you pull away from this relationship, the texts and visits will probably end. Use the extra free time to think about what you want to do with your independence. Plans are good.

When you have doubts, consider this sentence: “I’m worried that if we were suddenly living together long-term, the adjustment would be challenging.”

Some people are desperate to live near or with their long-distance partner, but after six months away from him, that’s not what you’re looking for. You’re more comfortable on your own.

– Meredith

Readers? End it? Stay together?

Distance Relationships